GIRLS PLEASE: I need some advice (This is a loong question)?

Question

Alright, here goes :-/ (Ignore my name, this is actually a serious question)

I'm 21, turning 22 in a couple months and I have yet to have a girlfriend come into my life. I will likely get my University bachelor's degree in Environmental Science by next spring. Yes, I am a virgin and yes, most of my old close high school friends, acquaintances and new uni friends have been in / still are in compassionate meaningful relationships. My friends (many who are in love with each other and have been going out for 3 years+) don't exclude me from activities, and they help me out when I'm having a tough time - basically they are the best friends I could ever ask for :-)

That being said, I've changed quite a bit in the past few years. In HS, I used to be a jock; I played Badminton, Football, Volleyball and a ton of other recreational sports - I was in the best shape of my life and had a comparatively large group of friends.

All this changed a year after grade 12 grad, when I slowly lost touch with a lot of people and started getting into gaming, camping and Animu ( Long story but a 2 week honor band trip to Japan set that obsession off). I slowly became chunky and started spending a lot of time detached from society, save for hanging out with my close friends regularly.

Last September, I seriously started questioning what I was doing and went through a great depression phase, basically crying a lot and confiding in my close friends (who have been phenominal in providing moral support). Since mid-September, I've lost almost all of the adipose weight I've gained (like 30 pounds)since grad by doing vigorous cardio and weights - and by the summer, I'll likely have a six-pack and be in peak shape again.

But with this, I'm kind of wondering why my life is working out that way it is. I 'suffer' from so called "Shy Nice Guy syndrome", probably a reflection of having a loving family and being a bit sheltered during my childhood. I realize that at this point, by census data and by reading many articles online as well as in scholarly journals, that I am the one person in five who hasn't had a girl yet.

I'm interesting in meeting somebody, but am not really obsessing about just 'getting' one per se. I am not one for one night stands, or casual flings - I am interested in building a meaningful long lasting relationship but. I'm not closing my mind off by waiting for 'the one', I would like to travel the world, go to concerts / movies and just enjoy life with another person.

What I'm most worried about is not finding somebody, cliche perhaps but a very scary thought that occasionally crosses my mind. I am a bit of a deep thinker at times. My friends and family just say "Oh, Matt, just keep doing what you're doing and you'll find somebody soon ;-) ) I haven't clicked with a lot of people at school however (many are really busy - and so am I), and many people at my University are already taken ( A school census survey suggested about 63% were dating or in a relationship).

I'm done ranting for now haha. I would just like some meaningful advice and / or stories of your own. I didn't come here to have my ego stroked, but just to get the opinions of more people - I'm just curious.

If somebody would kindly tell me how, I'll make the beast answer worth 10!
Thank you for your time :-)

Answer 1

You seem like such a nice guy from what you said!

In order to break out of your shell and stop being so shy, you really have to go for it. Even when there are girls that are taken just casually bring up conversation with them to help you get practice talking to girls. That way you don't expect anything from it!

Girls don't like a guy with no motivation, so make sure you are striving to achieve your goals!

You are still very young and WILL find someone who cares about you and loves you like you will love them!

It's great that you have friends that can support you no matter what, that is truly what matters. It is also great you managed to lose 30 pounds! Girls willll notice when you take care of yourself!

Generally I find that when you stop looking and trying, it'll happen. (weird how things work!)

Answer 2

Honestly dude , just keep hangin in there. I'm really young too and there was a point when I gave up on trying to find anyone decent. One day I found my boyfriend, when i stopped caring that is, who I am deeply in love with and will probably get married to. I am inspired by this quote upwards almost anything in life these days, "the sweetest things, they burn before they shine." good luck!

Answer 3

Thanks for answering my question, I think you're right, I'll maybe give him a bit of space and then see how things seem.

For your question, you've already got loads of really good answers! But from what I can see, you are a lovely guy, and sometimes that is just the way things work out, some people meet their wives-to-ve at 14 years old, others it takes a bit longer - you would be surprised how many 21 year olds are in your situation! But 21 really isn't that unusual at all, and you've said you're not into one night stands etc - what pretty much every girl worth their salt is looking for in a guy!

Also, try not to think of yourself as part of a statistic, you are your own person and you don't deserve to be grouped with the masses :)

All I can say is that as long as you keep actively making an effort to meet people (probably the most valuable lesson i've learnt since I went to uni), you WILL start finding people who you could potentially want to date. I'm really sorry if this fits with the cliche you described (I know how annoying that is), but really, you WILL find someone. You might have to date a bit before you get there, but that's all part of the fun! Hope this was helpful, and thanks again :)

Answer 4

Well congrats to you for not settling for less. Give yourself props for being amazingly strong willed. Most guys aren't. Now as far finding someone, you're not going to know right away if this girl is the right one. You need to get to know them, ask them out for coffee. Thats the best way. Eventually you'll come across one thats worth while and had met a alot of interesting people. I always say we have to see what we don't want in order to learn what we truthfully want.



By the way thanks for answering my question :) good luck on love

Answer 5

Hi, first thanks for your answer to my question (:

I guess you're curious to know what it's like if you've never had a girl before. But you are still young and I'm guessing you're not looking to properly settle down yet.

You sound like you've been really busy lately so it's hardly like you've had time to get a girlfriend, but you sound like a great catch (i know this goes against your ego stroking statement), if you're the typical perfect guy, smart, athletic you should have no trouble getting a girl.

Just dont forget girls like to be asked out first, so just have a little confidence, and go for it!

Best of luck (:

Answer 6

Thanks for answering mine! :)



But, I would say do not worry. Your life is going good right now! I am in high-school and a girl and I never had a boyfriend so I started panicking. Then I was like, I need to stop and keep up on my grades! I'm not bragging but I was told that I am to pretty and everyone loves me so people often think I have a boyfriend no matter what and that Im to good for them. I think you are me in that boat. But I met someone from a different school who did not know how people treated me and well, now we are going out! I wasn't even thinking about a boyfriend because I was keeping up on my grades. He came out of no where. The girl will come when you least expect it.



I would say, stay close to your friends! I actually feel in love with my best friend (guy) but we were to scared to waste our friendship at our age, so I tried moving on and found this guy. I will say, later in life and if im ever single again (love the guy im with), we will probably try going out -best friend and me-. We are still best friends fyi!





But just keep cool, have fun. Enjoy your life and when the time is right, that someone special will come into your life. Maybe she is right in front our your eyes but you are just blind to see it. (I was with my best friend for over a year. Then I later had a feeling I liked him, eventually told him after a while and he confessed he felt the same way).



Best of luck!

Answer 7

as you wrote on my question :P weight, isn't everything.. i forget that all the time. I struggle from an eating dissorder, and am used to being.. underweight, not a tad bit oveweight. sometimes.. i have a really hard time beliveing that my boyfriend finds me attractive because of my weight. But.. he dose somehow and he loves me. The right girl WILL come to you. Honestly.. and Truley, i like guys that aren't skinny, and i think that guys that are overweight, are actually really attractive. I've met some hallariouse guys that are overweight. By no means are they "nerds" or "the quiet type" infact they're quite popular and get gorgeouse girls.... honestly and truely. Hope that helps a bit. and thanks for answering my question. i appreciate it

Answer 8

Matt (is that your name?), I feel that your in the stage of your life where you have the need to have someone to be with because all of your friends have someone. True in a way that many will say let love find you instead of you finding it, but sometimes you cannot help it. I know someone who has not had a gf for 22 years and still is happy. It depends on how you wanna take it. Of course there comes a point that you will feel lonely and sad but that does not give you the excuse to lose hope. You are great and believe in yourself. You keep yourself healthy because you have to but do not ever think it is for someone. You gotta love yourself first before loving someone. Have the confidence in yourself and do not ever ever bring yourself down. God created you perfectly.. and you have to believe in that. You will go throug many things in life. If you have someone, that someone migh reject you. Whatever bad things that happen, always remember you are not to be blamed unless you did something bad. Be brave, positive, and love yourself. You will start seeing a huge change in yourself once you are happy! :)

Answer 9

I'm nineteen and have never dated. It's okay to like yourself and enjoy where you're at in life. I don't have a clique of friends, I mostly float about. I spend about fourteen hours a week doing ministry, I work for eleven hours, and on top of that I am a full-time college student. No, my grades haven't suffered - yet. When it comes to free time, I spend more time obsessing over my Tamil and Mandarin lessons (I'm taking private Tamil classes and a teaching myself Mandarin.) I've found that knowing what's important in life is more important than trying to find someone to be with. I'm in college, I have friends, time, and a little money. Let's have fun. Go on a road trip and see where the way takes us, be wild, be crazy, BE FUN!!!

I mentioned earlier that I'm learning Mandarin and Tamil. I am. I read in 23 languages, I can speak in about four, and I am fluent in one - English. Lousy, but that's me. I taught myself the majority of what I know. I like to read and write and I am studying to be an English teacher. I want to write books, novels and short stories and poetry. I'm good at it, and I love it. This is me, this is who I am. I dance to Indian songs and I sing in Gaelic. I walk by myself and I love to stare at the stars and flowers. I am a radical Air Force fangirl, I love playing Capture the Flag, and I enjoy being a video game cheerleader. I like sci-fi, fantasy, and philosophy. I like me, and that's more important than having someone else to like me. If I'm not content with myself, who else will be?

I did once find a guy that I was remarkably interested in, and he was interested back. I was stoked. MY. FIRST. GUY. I thought we'd actually date, and it would be so fun to finally have someone to take home. Guess what? He ditched me for my best friend. During his pursuit of her, I remained his good friend and gave him the support he asked for. I listened to him for everything. Basically, I let him walk all over me. It got ugly. It took a lot, but I learned to stand up for myself and ditch him. Romance I guess is a wonderful thing, I wouldn't know because I haven't experienced it. My goal now is to become the best me that I can be because the person I end up with doesn't want someone with a ton of experience, they want me, and if I'm not the best me I can be, they are getting cheated.

That's my story, take from it what you will. I'll be shooting a German Maueser with my buddies if you want to chat more.

Answer 10

I just turned 21 and I'm in your same situation, although I don't have friends that like to console me or anything. I've been told the exact same thing. "Just keep up what you're doing and you'll find someone" and "Don't change yourself to fit the guy you like, just be yourself" but no matter what I do, no one seems interested in more than just friendship. I'm not sure if it's my looks, personality, or what but there's gotta be something wrong with me. It's not like I'm desperate and will do anything for a boyfriend, I just live my life, focus on school and work and that's about all. Like you, it depresses me because I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I would love to get married and have kids. It seems like for so many people relationships come easy, but I guess for some people it's ridiculously hard. I'm shy, so maybe that could have to do with it... who knows. I'm just sick of being alone.



Anyway, I'm sorry for my long response, mostly ranting, but you're definitely not alone and hopefully, one day, we'll both find someone we truly love and can spend the rest of our lives with.

Answer 11

Wow. You seem like a really, really nice guy, actually.



Don't focus on the census or any statistics, okay? For all you know those relationships the people were in could be completely terrible. Everyone is different. But, from what I heard you seem really nice, and any girl who gets you will be lucky.



The only thing that I think you should do is just put yourself out there a little more. Talk to people. Try to find someone who, you think you could stay together forever with. Love is real, just have more confidence in yourself. Who cares if you've yet to have a girl? That just means all that love that's been saving up will go to the girl you fall for.



Good luck. I really hope everything works out! :)

Answer 12

It's not easy finding the right person for you. It might take a little longer, maybe a few years even; but I've heard people say that everyone will find someone special. I'm still 15, and there may be no point in talking about my story, but I was scared, too. I thought that I wouldn't find anyone for me, but since last year, I have had many struggles having to do with my crush. He had a few girlfriends since then, but I couldn't stop thinking about him. I tried forgetting about him by finding someone else, but no matter what I did I still loved him. After all that I've gone through, now we're dating and having a good time :D

This may be a little different from your situation, but even though there are going to be times of struggle and depression, you'll find the girl of your dreams soon enough ;D

Good luck ;)



Hope this helps :)

Answer 13

My gosh, I was reading this and thinking, dude, you're me! That's sort of what i'm going through right now. And concerning relationships, almost exactly what I think.



My advice to you, go out more, when you get the chance. Meet some people. Form new relationships. Go to a place that attracts the kind of people you would like spending time with and try to start a conversation with someone, then perhaps invite them to hang out again some other time.



However you go about creating new relationships, just know that, you are a great guy, and you can feel shy and go red in the face when you talk to someone, but you'll just look cuter. ;) Just be yourself, except more confident. Confidence is key! After you get that confidence, everything else is easy.



Good Luck, bro. Hope you find her. ;)

Answer 14

Dude, it's not the end of the world to be a virgin in college. You're still in you're 20s. Not that big of a deal.



You probably would not be a virgin if you hadn't gotten detached from you buddies. We need peers around us to give us a psychological push. In a way it's kind of like healthy competition.



I have a long term girlfriend. And she has a huge group of female friends. There are quite a few girls that are kinda like the female version of you. Shy and not very experienced. I think 2 or 3 of them might even be virgins still. They are in their early to late 20s. And they are by no means "loosers". I'm talking about cute, smart girls that dress nice.



So don't feel like you are a freak. Because I personally know people your age that are in a similar situation. They missed that whole high school deflowering gravy train. LOL



Anyways, I don't know where you are located but let me know. Maybe you can Facebook them or Instant Message with them or something. Even if nothing comes from it, you can share your experiences and maybe pass some advice back and forth. I post here from time to time on Yahoo Answers. Usually in the Singles & Dating area.

Answer 15

You. Are. Like. A. Guy. That. I. Have. Always. Dreamed. Of. But. Never. Met.



Seriously!



Your attitude to life and love resembles my own so much I feel like I have finally found a soul partner. Too bad you are so far away and older than me. ]:<



I can't give you much advice on that topic, but at least I'll tell you that for sure you will find a girl. Not some blonde after seven plastic surgeries but a QUALITY girl. Someone with a personality who you will be happy with. And she'll probably be a virgin as well as you are.



You'll be alright :)

Answer 16

You sound like a great guy and thank you for answering my question.

I've been in the very same situation: my first real date was at 23. As opposed to you though, I was morbidly obese back then. My BMI is normal now, thanks to a lot of effort and sacrifice on my part. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years ( I'm 26 now, by the way) and I still can't go on a real date - I'm too afraid to.

I'm not insecure about how I look - I've been called for modelling jobs and I draw a lot of attention from men. I simply can't go out with them. My last relationship was traumatic enough ( physical and verbal abuse) and all the dates I went on since I split up with him were huuuuuge failures:

- a guy who said he loved me on the second date and is still stalking me, even after a few months

- a guy who started sniffing coke on our third date, right in front of me, in a public place

- a guy who took booty calls while on a date with me, and the list can go on.



Right now, I'm literally AFRAID to talk to men, even though I'm smart, beautiful, and I have a great career.

Thing is, you'll meet someone when it's right. Constantly thinking about it never helps, I've always met nice people when I expected it the least.

I hope you get all your wishes fulfilled, you really sound like a nice, decent guy.

Answer 17

Sorry that I'm a guy, but I'd like to add my two cents if you don't mind.



There are two fundamental instincts that girls have that are working against you here:



1) Girls are programmed to be attracted to confident guys.

2) People generally want what they can't have.



You don't sound like you're exactly at the height of confidence, and there really isn't a whole lot you can do about it. To pretend to be confident would only come off as phony at this point and no girl would respect that.



The fact that you are not confident and are worried that you won't find a girl probably indicates that you are pretty easy to 'get' from a girl's perspective. I'm not advocating that you play games with girls just for the sake of being hard to get, but I know plenty of guys (myself included back in the day) who made themselves way way too available for girls. They would bend over backward to see them, kiss up to them with endless strings of compliments, call them way too often, and it never ever worked out. Why? Because people generally want what they can't have. But this is something that you can help without being phony. Just don't treat every single girl like they are better than you or that you are fortunate that they are spending time with you. You deserve to hold yourself in higher regard than that. Treat them as equals and you will be better off because they will value their time with you more.



I hate to beat the already beaten drum, but have patience. Girls eventually figure out that the 'nice' guy is the one they should be with. Or, you can do what I did to overcome 'nice guy syndrome' and steal your best friend's girlfriend. It wasn't so hard, and it showed a bit of a bad-boy streak that was apparently attractive to her, and now I'm married to her with 2 wonderful kids, so that justifies the whole thing LOL.



Again, sorry I'm a guy lol.

Answer 18

Hi,



I found it somewhat relating. You are turning to 22. But believe me I was at 23 even then I never had any boyfriend but the difference was I never thought of having one in my life. I used to hate this relationship thing as I knew the life is going to take a U-turn once a person leaves you alone after the time pass is done. I'm kind of girl who believes in long term and committed relationship only and no flings, no timepasses, but sadly you find very few here thinking the same way. So the chances of having a good chemistry is really tough. Even I got one at the age of 23, lasted for 2 years with high tides and low tides more often, but I still continued but sadly he could not take it anymore and broke up. I kept weeping and thinking my life is gone and all. But today I am back to myself, thinking the same way and trying to be the old person I was who used to love being single and doing own stuff the own way without anyone's wait or dependence. I always loved being independent but somehow getting into relation one changes unintentionally. I'm still unable to understand why and how. Anyway, leaving that part the stage comes in everyone's life when we see the world around and want to have someone for us too, but experiencing myself I was too fast in choosing my partner and got a kick on my ***.



You're at a very young age...Try to be patient and keep looking but not desperately in order to get into one relationship. Till that time, just keep enjoying your life as you are doing already...Most importantly always keep loving yourself, even if you'll anyone in your life - never stop loving yourself..because if you will love anyone more than yourself, you are actually losing your identity which might create problem in long run.



To sum up, I would say live life peacefully and enjoy but at the same time look out in world but do not be in hurry to get a girl and ultimately ending up on a bad note! Good luck :)



P.S. Thank you for answering to my post and providing me suggestions.

Answer 19

First of all you should know that girls like me hunt for guys like you, but we just don't know where to find you.



I've always been kind of shy, slow to come out of my shell if you will...especially around new people, & ESPECIALLY around guys that I find attractive. I'm exactly like you in that I haven't clicked with very many people....probably throughout my whole life. Lucky for me, however, I have had guys approach me and as a result have had dating experience. But looking back, most of these guys were just horny & looking for someone to fool around with. Thus many of my relationships ended once these immature losers realized a real relationship requires effort. Back to my point though, there are women out there. A few recommendations I would make is having your friends set you up on dates with other singles that they know? Or to try online dating. You're not the only one who may find its difficult to meet people when they are so busy with school.

Also, try not to let yourself fall into the "friend" category all the time with the ladies. I mean, being a friend is a great way to start to get to know someone, but if you're attracted to someone as more then a friend, don't wait too long to make your move and ask them out on a date or flirt with them before they permanently categorize you into their 'just a friend' category. Touch their shoulder, sit close to them, ask them to a movie...

Answer 20

haha I like the statistics you threw in there.



I'm sure you're good looking, but even if you weren't in tip top shape like before, college is different than high school; girls look beyond clothes brands and body image. I'm 22 and in college too so I know what I'm talking about. Maybe try putting yourself out there more? Also, know that girls depend on guys to make the move, so if you're shy than you should start casually talking to the girls more. *shakes magic 8 ball* true happiness and love is around the corner.

Answer 21

Thanks for the help with my question! :)



I think you need to just relax. You're still young and have lots of time to find "the one". I understand the whole depression thing because after my father passed away I was severely depressed. Its super cool that your friends include you in activities, since they know you really well have you ever considered having them setting you up on a blind date? It could be a really fun experience and if it doesn't work out then you can try again. You're 21, go out and have some fun! :)

Answer 22

im 21 my self soon to be 22 in a month ive been through the same thing myself before i graduated college its hard to cope with being single and all your friends have someone but you have to realize that your parents and family are actually right you will find someone even if you are shy some women like myself find that attractive and even if you haven't clicked with someone at school doesn't mean you wont find that one person who will like you for you just look in other places go out to clubs or go to sport games just where ever you never know what could happen i found my one true love on the internet of all places i never thought i would ever be that person to go internet dating but i tried it out and i found someone that i want to spend the rest of my life with...and im not saying that you should go on the net a find that person all saying is that it can happen anywhere and you life isn't turning out bad your just in a rut that will work it self out in time just go out and have fun you only live once and that one person will come along in no time...



i hope i helped :) just keep your head up

Answer 23

I am currently suffering from depression, and I know its hard to lose all that weight, so I congratulate you on that. I know how you are feeling, and I know how scary it is. Most people find someone in college, but because you are graduating, maybe, (i know you will probably not like this), try having a friend set you up. Go to parties, put your self out there. Trust me, girls like sweet guys that really care. And shy can be extra sweet. You will find someone

Answer 24

Huh why don't you try internet dating or something? It's the easiest way to get over the initial shyness and lack of available women thing no? Once you've chatted and got the first date or two out of the way I'm sure there wouldn't be a problem with finding women you like/like you back.

Basically it's your only option unless you're willing to get over your shyness and go out and talk and ask out lots of women that you see that you like. Anyways you need to do one or the other as it's very rarely that it happens unless you really pursue it.

Answer 25

Well you have time in your life, so don't worry about rushing to be with a girl. I suggest you go out a lot more. Talk more. People's lives change, so don't expect to be who you were back in high school. Although, you can try. There's always somebody, and perhaps you just have to wait.

Answer 26

well, coming from a girl, you seem like a sweet guy. i mean the only advice i can really give you is to just branch out a little bit. it sounds so cliche and easy to do, but you just have to live like its your last day. like, if you see a girl you find cute, then start a charming conversation with her (however, i wouldn't start the conversation off as a compliment, you might come off as a little creepy. maybe a joke or something?). but anyways, you just have to think of it like that. because if you don't take advantage of the opportunities you are given, you're going to regret not doing them. and who knows, she could be the one :]



by the way, thanks for answering my question too! good luck to you!

Answer 27

You sound like a really sweet guy, and I think any girl could see that. My advice would have to start building sincere friendships with girls you find to be the most like your ideal. Honest flattery, trust, and support go along way towards really winning a girls heart. I wish you all the best

Answer 28

There is nothing wrong with you. Guys like you are awesome because they are genuine. Guys who have continuously dated and have had sex with plenty of girls tend to take their girlfriends for granted. You'll find someone, just keep and open mind. Stick with the 'Shy Nice Guy Syndrome'. It's every girls dream beyond their shallow minds.



PS. Marry me. ;)

GOODLUCK!

Answer 29

First of all, kudos for the virginity! I am too, and I have never had a boyfriend, but when I do, I want him to be a virgin as well!



Anyway, you will find the right girl eventually! She's out there. I promise. :)

Answer 30

How about hanging out with one of your classmates after class that you like? like studying and helping them understand the school work. dont rush into things though because it scares girls sometimes if you rush too fast

Answer 31

Have you ever been on blind date, have a friend set one up, give it a try, you never know where that first date could lead to?

Answer 32

Just relax, take a deep breathe, it'll all work out in the end :)

i have a very hard situation on my hands too. https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20110206135009AAtZoo2

please ANYONE i need feedback

Answer 33

Go for it. Be assertive. Don't let your shyness or nervousness get the best of you. Smile confidently & see what happens :-)

Answer 34

Thanks for answering my question- just be yoursself. People respect people who are themselves.. To Thine ownself be true.