Should I keep letting my boyfriend have more chances?

Question

"Sean" and I are 21 and have been together for 3 1/2 years, since we were seniors in high school. We both moved to the big city together, and due to this huge change for us both coming from small towns, we quickly moved in together and it was fun. We were splitting money 50/50, and I liked it that way. Both worked regular 40 hour weeks.

In early 2007, we both lost our jobs due to silly circumstances that aren't relevant anymore. We both decided that we were going to just take whatever job we could get, and we did. I worked at a dead end retail job and he got a job at the movie theater. We decided that we were still going to look for better paying jobs while we had these "in-between" jobs paying the bills.

After loathing my retail job for about a month, another opportunity came up for me and I have been working at the same place ever since. I make double and work double what he does right now. It's been a year and a half since I started this new job.

Sean on the other hand has barely looked for a job. He tells me he is hunting but there is always SOME reason he comes up with on why he can't get one. He needs another haircut. His clothes aren't good for interviewing. Other things needed to be done around the house. He needs the internet. He can't remember what dates he worked where. The list goes on and on.

I got fed up and kicked him out at the beginning of the year because I was feeling taken advantage of financially and he makes me broke! I took him back a couple of months later because he is so sweet to me. But, there he sits working 25 hours a week, 5 hr. shifts for 7.25 an hour.

He treats me so great that it makes me feel mean for making finances such a big deal, but I really feel like he isn't pulling his weight. Should I just consider myself lucky to have found love, even if he doesn't make a great partner? I am definately the leader of our relationship, and I don't want that!

When I try to talk to him about it, he gets in a really foul mood and shuts down. Doesn't want to talk about it, or he gets all apologetic, cries and promises me the moon. I want to believe him and I want for everything to work out with him, but he isn't making it very easy by letting me feel overworked while he barely works!

What would you do?

What should I do? Should I give him the boot and see if he floats on his own? Should I be patient and get through this rough patch with him?

Answer 1

My first instinct would be to tell you, you're young... move on and establish your own life. But my gut instinct is that I can understand what you're going through. I'm 22, been with my boyfriend for over a year.. sometimes I feel that I pull more weight around the house, with finances, or cleaning/cooking etc... but the thing is... I've realized that I am more "grown up" in a sense, than my boyfriend is.



I notice more and more as the years go by that my boyfriend slowly matures a little more and becomes a little more responsible. I think it just takes time for guys to get to that level of maturity. I don't think he's taken advantage of you on purpose, or while knowing it. He probably is stuck in a routine with his dead end job.



Try helping him find a new job! I actually did that once with my boyfriend and now he makes more than me!!!!



I don't think a person should ever break up with another person unless they have fallen out of love with that person... that should be the only reason people break up.



You'll get through this!!! Be strong.

Answer 2

to me he sounds like a dosser and he needs a good kick up the backside. give him a final ultimatum, make it clear if he doesn't get his act together within a month it's over. you may well have found love but it sounds as though you're not gonna have a great life if you stay together, what about quality time, going on holidays? supporting a family if you want one? ofcourse you dont want to be with a guy just for money, but at the same time when your boyfriend could better himself and he is just being down right lazy you really have to think is he worth this stress, surely if he really cared about you he'd have got his act together a long time ago. me personally, i'd kick him out.

have you talked to his parents (mainly mother) about his behaviour (that is if you're friendly with her) ? a mother's words can have a huge impact which might help your situation a little bit.

good luck and remember your happiness is the most important thing.

Answer 3

I would point him in the right direction if I were you. He's clearly lost and doesn't know where to start. I would say wait a bit and see what he comes up with but I think you've waited too long. You said that you're the "upper hand" in your relationship and I think you should use this to your advantage and take the lead by finding job applications for him and researching into it. But don't do it all for him as he is already quite reliant on you and you don't want him to be lazy and let you sort out his crap whilst you run around for him - don't let him take advantage of your kindness to him.

So just give him a slight nudge in the right direction and then leave him to sort out the rest.

Answer 4

I see where your coming from im 22, and have a pretty good job, but work tons of hours, so im irritated easily.. and find other people lazy because i dont feel they are working as hard as me etc... you think maybe your being hard on him because of stress at work? Plus you have to look at the bigger picture you guys are 21 not 35...a job at a movie theater is still acceptible at that age... maybe he knows later in life hes going to have to work long hours at a job he hates..to make the bills..and hes trying to hol onto his youth a little bit longer...plus maybe he likes his job..? theres nothing wrong with that. Id say if everything else in the relationship is good..and it seems to be the way you were talking.. Id say KEEP HIM some guys our age dont work at all and live with there mothers.. hes doing alright give him some slack.. now in 5 years if hes still there and doesnt seem to want to budge. then you can kick him to the curb. good luck hun.. hope things work out for the 2 of you. (:

Answer 5

The job market is chaotic and job hunting is difficult. If you want to help, tell him places you think he should apply. Try to find people that can help him find a job. Anyone can be out of work in the blink of an eye, no matter how well they worked or what place they worked.



If you keep criticizing him, as soon as he finds a job he will find a better g/f and be bye bye. I think he already realizes you are not marriage material because you are only in it for the good times. As long as he is not a drinker or a doper I am voting to stay with him.

Answer 6

Despite the other parts of the relationship that are good, this is obviously a serious problem that you can't ignore.



Stop paying his way. Make him have no other choice but to work and be responsible for himself. The longer you look the other way the worse it is going to get because he is taking advantage of your forgiving/loving nature. He's being downright lazy and if you let him get away with it now he's never going to change. You're going to end up working your *** off for both of you until you put your foot down.



How is your relationship with your family? I'd talk to them if you're close and see what they think. It's difficult for a random stranger to really give advice without knowing either one of you.



You may love your boyfriend now, but eventually you are going to resent him for this and you may start to hate him. At that point it will be too late to save the relationship as partners or friends. It may even hurt your future relationships because it will weaken your trust in others.

Answer 7

Offer to help him find a job. Take him out for a haircut, buy him a new outfit, and fix any "excuse" he has. Explain to him that you love him, but he really needs to find a job if you guys want to build a life together.



Then help him find a job if your time permits. Circle ads in the newspaper or e-mail him links to possible opportunities online. Give him a kick in the right direction and maybe that'll help. Explain to him this is IMPORTANT if you guys are going to work.

Answer 8

I think you answered your own question. Tell him you guys need a break and see if he can float on his own. Don't take him back right away, and just date for a bit, see if he changes at all. Then you can draw your conclusion from there. It would be a shame to throw away all those years for something silly like a job. However, don't let him walk all over you.

Answer 9

If you are paying your own bills and he is paying his bills then I wouldn't worry about it. Now if you are paying his way, and he is mooching off you that is different. If that is the case, You need to tell him that you love him and you consider this relationship a team but if he isn't pulling his own weight it brings you down. You can't expect him to take care of you and vice versa. It's got to be equal or one of you will suffer. If he loves you, he'll step up. If not, it may be time to part ways.

Answer 10

if the role were reversed and you were having a hard time would you want to be left out in the streets, I think not. He is at least (assuming) helping you out so give it time. The market for new jobs it's really good right now.

Answer 11

Well, it's sounds to me as if youre boyfriend dosent care that much about u as u do him. If he dosent love u or care enough about u to help pay the bills- hes not the right guy. the right guy would do anything you say anytime you want and always have a smiling face. Keep strong!

Answer 12

Give him about 3 months to find a steady jobe i mean one that pays WELL and then if he dosnt then kick him out and just be friend beause it seems like your underalot fo stress and a relationship should not make you THAT stressed and it deff. should not make one person a leader and the other a follower you should both be equal

Answer 13

You really need to talk to him, WITHOUT yelling and fighting. Honestly. You HAVE to force him to open up. It is so unfair to you. You should both be financially helping each other. If you love him, don't kick him out. But maybe you should try finding him a job if he won't do it on his own.

Answer 14

Forget about him not providing for you, he's barely providing for himself. Of course he treats you well, you're his meal ticket at least partially.



Imagine that I'm your best friend ever and I just told you this story. What would you advise me to do? Think about it and do what you would advise me to do, which I doubt is give him another chance.

Answer 15

my suggestion is to tell him that you would like to have him find his own place. I dont mean like kick him out but.....maybe this will show you if he is responsible enuff to take care of himself and be the kind of person that you want him to be. If he does show that he is capable of being responsible take it slow, maybe think about taking him back into the home. If he doesnt show that responsible side then ultimately its your choice as to taking him back or not.

Answer 16

I'm too lazy to read all of that! Now be a good GF and get him another beer before he gets miffed at you for being on the computer so long! You are neglecting his needs!

Answer 17

i don't think u should dump him completely but i also don't think it's right for him to depend on u finacially. i think u should make him get a place of his own and support himself. but i don't see any need for u to get rid of him out of ur life.





hope this helped

Answer 18

You shouldn't get through the rough patch with him, you should help him overcome whatever fears he has.

Answer 19

you should just let him go you need a new man some relationships don't last trust me my bf broke up with me the day we started dating.

Answer 20

wow thats a long one...i underdstand.....just tell him the way you feel....relatioship is all about telling each other everything....just tell him and see what happens....good luck :D

Answer 21

DTBF. Get on with your life. He will not change from this. he is comfortable with it.

Answer 22

are you a raffle how many chances do you intent to give, you need to know when enough is enough

Answer 23

give him the boot sister...

or else he will have no impetus to change

Answer 24

Dump him.

Answer 25

just brake up with him

Answer 26

no