My boyfriend was at a party where drugs were passed round, he didnt do any but he knows my take on drugs, so is it okay that I'm upset?

Question

So I'm a pretty big advocate on not taking drugs. I understand the reasoning behind  why people do, I know the social mentality of it, but my dislike comes from having family members end up ruining their lives, and I also work with a lot of young people whom have used substance abuse as a coping mechanism, and have done a lot of training on drug awareness ect. 
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, he's never done drugs, and he knows my take on it. This evening there was a small house party for a housemates birthday, just people who have been staying in the house since lockdown and I'm not staying there so I didnt go. 
A few hours into the night he tells me I probably wouldn't have liked it because the language and jokes were a bit more than my humour (and my humour gets quite dark) and drugs were being passed round
Obviously I'm going to worry, but I'm also a little upset that when being surrounded by people getting high he didnt choose to remove himself from the situation. His bedroom is literally across the hall so it wouldn't have been hard. But I also dont want to be the girlfriend telling him what he can and cant do, or ruining his night. 
He knows I'm upset, he can tell and I've said I'll speak about it tomorrow as I know hes probably had something to drink so would rather he had a clear head.
I just want to know if it's reasonable to be upset with him when he knows my stance so clearly, 

Answer 1

People do drugs, he isnt...be thankful.  To get mad at him because of others do, around him...you might as well lock yourself in the house.  Its everywhere, sometimes you dont see the person next to you doing it.  He did nothing wrong, if you said anything to him...you need to say your sorry.  Be glad he communicates with you...your mothering him, he is your partner, not you child.

Answer 2

If you know he is not into drugs, trust him...If he has a past history...It can be hard too not wonder. Unless you know he did drugs, you really cannot be upset. You have to trust him, or you have nothing.

Answer 3

I think you’re overreacting. Your boyfriend was totally honest about what happened. He didn’t participate, and he can’t control what other people do. I’ve been around plenty of people who were doing things I choose not to participate in. If it doesn’t affect me, I see no reason to leave if I’m having a good time. And just FYI, alcohol is just as much of a drug as the substances you have such a huge issue with. 

Answer 4

Even though I understand where you are coming from, you have got to loosen the leash you have on your bf. If he does not do drugs, then you have no reason to worry about him. Think of it this way~ how many people who go to a major league baseball game have done drugs before or during the game? Are you going to ask him not to attend that? Let him use his own judgement. If he is with his buds, don't spoil it for him. You will eventually end up losing him if you keep trying to control him this way.

Answer 5

I share your stance about wanting to be not part of any drug lifestyle, and personally someone who does drugs is also a deal breaker for me.

However that being said your stance sounds a bit too controlling. I've been to parties where some have used weed, for example. Smell aside, I don't care what others do. The fact that they get high doesn't mean I have an obligation to do so, because even when peer pressure exists, I'm an adult and I can make my own choices.

It does sound like you don't trust your bf to stay away from drugs. That's something you have to solve w yourself. If you don't trust him, then why are you w him? If you do trust him, then why is this even an issue?

I want to think he's an adult as well. He deciding to hang out w people he lives with/shares a house with has nothing to do with you.

"I'm also a little upset that when being surrounded by people getting high he didnt choose to remove himself from the situation. His bedroom is literally across the hall so it wouldn't have been hard." it'd have been hard in the sense that he would have lost the party time w friends.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't be upset, those are your feelings and those are valid, but I do think that you need to rationalise this a bit and think really carefully how do you want your relationship to go. He's an adult, trust his choices.

Answer 6

“So I'm a pretty big advocate on not taking drugs.”



He didn’t take any drugs. 



“I understand the reasoning behind why people do, I know the social mentality of it, but my dislike comes from having family members end up ruining their lives, and I also work with a lot of young people whom have used substance abuse as a coping mechanism, and have done a lot of training on drug awareness etc.”



I agree with you. Drugs are bad and ruin lives. But he didn’t take any drugs. 



“I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, he's never done drugs, and he knows my take on it.”



Yes, and he still hasn’t taken drugs. 



“But I'm also a little upset that when being surrounded by people getting high he didnt choose to remove himself from the situation. His bedroom is literally across the hall so it wouldn't have been hard.”



Well, he wouldn’t have been able to talk to his friends if he went home. He also wouldn’t have been able to socialize. And he would have been bullied or made fun of, most likely. With a loud party going on across the hall, it’s not like he would have been able to sleep anyway. Maybe he actually wanted to enjoy himself and hang out with his friends. 



“But I also dont want to be the girlfriend telling him what he can and cant do, or ruining his night.”



It sounds like that’s exactly who you want to be. You just don’t want the label. 



“I just want to know if it's reasonable to be upset with him.”



Personally, I think you’re being unreasonable. He didn’t do any drugs. He was honest with you. He showed you respect and honesty. You’re being a control freak. 



“...when he knows my stance so clearly.”



Your stance isn’t the only stance which matters. He’s allowed to have a different stance. His stance is that he doesn’t like drugs, he doesn’t do drugs, but he also isn’t an antisocial humbug about it and he doesn’t make a scene/leave simply because other free adults choose to use them. Your whole post is dripping with arrogance, narcissism and entitlement, to be quite honest. 



I agree with you fully on the importance of not ever taking drugs, but what you’re doing is the equivalent of the police charging someone with murder simply because they witnessed the killing. 

Answer 7

He didn't partake in any of it so why are you even upset? Sure he could have gone to his bedroom but why should he? He lives there too. He shouldn't have to feel forced to go to his room because the idiots he lives with are doing drugs.



Be thankful he said no and leave it at that. At most I'd consider suggesting your boyfriend move elsewhere but do so without being judgy or critical. He knows your feelings on drugs. He doesn't need or deserve to be lectured on the issue.

Answer 8

Actually, yes, you DO want to tell him what he can do and can't do. You also refuse to trust him. You'd rather control him with your passive aggressive attitude of being "upset" with him instead of being grateful he didn't take part in the drug use. He was completely open and honest about what occurred at the party, and he didn't take drugs. Being upset with him is the last thing you should be feeling. You should be congratulating him on his strength and honesty. See a shrink.

Answer 9

i understand your stance on drugs, but... as you said, he didn't do any. i can't speak for everyone but i would say that in a social situation, if the people you're socialising with are doing drugs and you just don't feel comfortable doing them, then you say no but like there's no need to LEAVE the room. it looks as though you have a past drug addiction or something, which in that case leaving the room would make sense.



but in most scenarios, you just say "nah, not for me" and most of the time, if the people you're with are decent enough, they will not pressure you and you can just carry on socialising. it doesn't have to be made into this huge ordeal where you have to make it so clear you're against drugs by exiting the room. just chill!



honestly, i don't see why you would be upset with him. he didn't do anything, so what's the problem? is the problem that you don't like the people he's hanging around? don't torture him for something so small. he did nothing wrong.