Is it bad that my fiancee calls me an idiot?

Question

My fiancee calls me an idiot from time to time, when I say or do something stupid. Before I took it as a compliment. However, people at work keep telling me that that's horrible, and my relationship is toxic. Is this actually toxic, or is this normal?

Answer 1

I think it's fine. It can be a jokey flirty insult. Like my ex always called me loser whenever I did something stupid. Don't listen to the opinion of those at work who don't know the reality of it. If you notice your faince is saying it rudely and it puts you down, then yeah it's a bad case. Its only you that can judge that, at the end of the day it only matters how you feel about it

Answer 2

It depends on how it makes you feel. It sounds like it could just be a way to playfully joke by insulting you but not in a mean way. If it makes you feel bad, you should tell her. Also, if she calls you that in a situation when you did something dumb or made a bad joke that doesn’t sound like she means it in a mean way at all.

Answer 3

If your relationship is toxic why do you stay in it?

Why do you deem it acceptable  that she calls you harsh names and throws in question your intellect?

Answer 4

WHAT do you call him?

Answer 5

Being called stupid is not a compliment.lts an insult.Dont let her treat you like that.Stand up to her.

Answer 6

Narp , you are an idiot , at least you know she will never lie to you

Answer 7

Yes tell him that it bothers you if he says something like 'well if you didn't say or do that then I wouldnt call you an idiot' then I'd be looking out there for a different man

Answer 8

Well what has she got your for then if you tell lame jokes? Do you make a ton of money or are you hung like a horse? Or has she just got your around so she can have someone to yell and scream at?

Answer 9

it's not bad. it's what she's supposed to do. if you're a buffoon always screwing things up, you need the discipline she provides you to correct you and keep you in line.

Answer 10

Just ignore anyone who doesn't know that fiancee is feminine and fiance is masculine. It is not right for them to call you an idiot, whatever their gender or yours. It starts with lame jokes now, but will get worse if you marry. Tell her you would be an idiot to stay with her.

Answer 11

If you are being an idiot (like telling stupid jokes) and she calls you out on it, I don't think its a problem. If she calls you names all the time to hurt you, then its a problem. 

Answer 12

I think that you have a chip on your should, that you don't realise just how fortunate you are, and that you don't realise it.

Your fiancee calls you an idiot. OK. But she is still with you. If she was making a decisive decision she would have buggered off after making the announcement. Therefore, after making her announcement, she also accepted that your idiocy was an honest assessment and that she would just have to live with it.

How on earth can you possibly complain about such a delightful degree of honesty ??

Your relationship is intact , and she has accepted that on some occasions you happen to be a bit lacking in the brain department.

Be happy, you are very fortunate to be accepted as a idiot and still remain secure in that situation.

Answer 13

how do you feel?

Answer 14

If you dated her and made her you're fiancee for looks then you're a idiot shallow vain and wrong because looks are not a reason to date make someone your fiancee and marry them and you shouldn't and don't have to looks for somrone to date make you their fiancee or for them to marry you

Answer 15

It's not very respectful either way. There's significance and power in what you say and label on people or yourself. As your spouse she should be honouring, respecting, and saying good things about you. It's just about respect.

Answer 16

"Second, I am male not female."

Ok well have a f1ckin back bone and correct her on that. Slap her if you have to the next time she calls you that if need be.

Answer 17

I don't really think she should call you that, personally, but if it's obvious she's saying it in a flirty or joking way, I wouldn't think anything of it. I'm no expert tho.

Answer 18

That's awful!! Why stay w him

Answer 19

Ya good but good in the idiot you good

Answer 20

If my partner said that to me my response would be......you are proof that I must be an idiot. But, on a serious note they shouldn't call you an idiot. Some people will mean it in a joking way, however if it is said all the time then it can put someone's feelings down. I'd say call them an idiot back.

Answer 21

I don’t know how to answer this question without being there. I have to know how she says you are an idiot, in a joking kind of way or serious kind of way. Sometimes I call my friends and myself an idiot in a joking kind of way. Without being there I have a hard time to tell if it’s bad that she calls you an idiot for saying something stupid. If it bothers you talk to her about it and ask her why she calls you an idiot. By the way, I would keep your relationship with her separate from everyone else. Meaning don’t tell people the stuff she says that sounds bad. I used to complained about this person I’m interested in to my friends when he did stuff to upset or hurt me, it only leads to drama with me and my friends, drama between him and my friends. I learned the hard way not to share information about your love life to other people especially if it’s bad. That should be kept between you and her. Good luck

Answer 22

Yes it is. You nor your partner should call each other names. It shows a lack of respect for you. 

Answer 23

Well I suppose it's the tone in which it's said. In her mind it could be sort of a odd choice of a term of endearment? But generally calling someone an idiot is not a good thing.

Answer 24

It is bad! She shouldn’t

Answer 25

Well if it bothers you or little you then it's bad but if you don't take it in a bad way maybe it's not to bad it also depends on how she says it and how you receive it :)

Answer 26

Yes, It's disrespectful and toxic. It is also a sign of self esteem issues...

Answer 27

yes that is bad. You need to get out of that relationship hun. she/he is trying to belittle you and that is not ok. You should have a partner that thinks of you as an equal.

Answer 28

Get rid of her...she obviously sees you as an inferior human being.

Answer 29

If what you say is true I s5ill think it's not normal for anyone to ñamecall. Usually poor uneducated people do 5hat.

Answer 30

Depends how she says it, It could be endearing or insulting

Answer 31

Don’t marry her.

Answer 32

yes that is extremely rude

Answer 33

Well, if you are an idiot then she is only stating a fact and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Answer 34

You said yourself that she calls you an idiot only when you've done something like make a lame joke. If that's so, then it's not a problem.

But the fact that you've taken the trouble to post about it suggests it's rather more of a problem than that. You are the only person who knows the whole situation, and if you feel your fiancee means it to be cruel, you should think seriously about your future relationship.

Do you still want this going on, five years down the line?

Answer 35

yes it is bad .... nuff said

Answer 36

If it's bothering you, yes it is.  I had a friend years ago  who thought it was funny to call me something like that and after a few months, I dropped her as a friend.  Another friend used to tell her young daughter "It's not funny unless everyone thinks it's funny."  I thought that was good advice.  If it bothers you, you should  tell her to stop doing that and why.  If she doesn't comply, you may want to rethink the engagement.  She may start calling your future children "idiot."  Do you want that? 

Answer 37

dump her

,,,,,,,,,

Answer 38

yes, it is very, very bad.

Answer 39

I think it depends. If that's your kind of humor as a couple, and you treat each other like that, well, I don't see a problem. I don't understand why you would take that as a compliment though. But anyway, sometimes I call my boyfriend stupid, not because he does something dumb but because I joke around like that and it's funny to us. But I try not to make him feel bad. The thing is, if it makes you feel bad or if you're starting to actually believe you're an idiot , then yeah, thats toxic. But if you're perfectly okay with it and you're not affected by it and you think it's funny, well, don't listen to other people's opinions! Maybe ask her to not call you names in public as it does look bad. But listen to yourself, your feelings and thoughts, and consider if it affects you negatively or not. Then you'll know if you're really okay with that or not. It just depends on you and your sense of humor and no one else. I hope she says nice things to you often though! Good luck and take care.

Answer 40

Just chill man. If you take it as a compliment, just dont listen to you other guys. Keep on enjoying and have happiness

Answer 41

Well, you said you "did something Stupid" What else is he suppose to say and still be respectably smart? "Born a slobbering idiot and will die that way too"

Answer 42

How can a fiancée be male? A fiancé is male.

Answer 43

If she is saying it in a playful manner and doesn't know she is being hurtful, you might try telling her words that cuts less, like "silly goose" or "funny boy" might feel less insulting. There is a difference between affectionate teasing and blatant disrespect, she might just need to learn where to draw the line.

Answer 44

Damn my boyfriend has never called me an idiot in his life. I would be damned if I kept calling him my boyfriend after that. Maybe you are one, since you are still with him and didn’t tell him that he shouldn’t call you that!



Also doesn’t matter if you are male or female, either way it’s not a good thing in a relationship to be called that. End of story.

Answer 45

My husband has an ex-wife that belittled his intelligence and capabilities throughout their marriage. Undermined him at every opportunity. Hurt him badly, hurt his relationship with his sons, destroyed their marriage. 40 years since their divorce (33 years into our marriage), she STILL does it when given the chance. She called her sons stupid too and still does. It's had a dreadful effect on both of them. Really toxic.

Answer 46

Some people are just bully's to others

Answer 47

yes of course its bad no fiancee should be calling his wife a idiot when they clearly arent

Answer 48

Girls tend to have a different type of humor than guys do. For example: guys tend to like the 3 stooges where most chicks I've known can't stand them. Mix up the type of humor you give when you're around her and see which type she appreciates.

Answer 49

Not as bad as not knowing the difference between an insult and a compliment,why would you take an insult as a compliment? you do kind of sound like an idiot troll

Answer 50

calling you "idiot" is mean, toxic and not an indication of love. And it will probably get much worse after you marry him. your self esteem must be extremely low if you can't see being called "idiot" is not endearing, but ugly. Get some individual therapy and/or couples counseling before you walk down the aisle. IF you walk down the aisle.

Answer 51

Self respect is important fren.....try a insulting word with her and see the outcome cos sometime she needs her own medicine

Answer 52

If a man did this to a woman...



Nevermind.

Answer 53

I wouldn't do it, even if I were "kidding."  I had relatives with that attitude, and I couldn't stand them.

Answer 54

It's not always bad..  most of the time, I try to make the best of it...  iv'e said it about myself some times..  " I'm an idiot!"    if she is standing above you, mad, yelling it? tell her you are sorry and then buy her flowers when she least expects it.. 

Answer 55

nshe’s probably just joking! but if it hurts your feelings you should really tell her. because what enters our mind is sooo important and relevant to mental health. 

Answer 56

if you say it after you tell a dumb joke, then it’s perfectly fine lol. my boyfriend is a complete retard and tells lame jokes, too. it just means that your relationship is the best friend type one. those last for awhile ❤️❤️

Answer 57

"I used to take it as a compliment" ... maybe she's onto something?



Just kidding!



Listen, nobody here can truly give you a concrete answer as to whether what she is saying is "bad". Each person has their own standards and requirements in a relationship.



Personally, for me it would depend on how it was said: Is she serious? Is she really meaning to say you're a genuine idiot? Or is she saying "Oh, you're such an idiot!" with a smile, following a stupid joke?



All things considered, it only matters how YOU feel. Give yourself some time to think about if it truly bothers you, and if it does, talk to her about it the next time she does it, so it will be fresh in her head. If you ask her the moment she calls you an idiot, she'll be present-minded enough for you to find out if she is being playful or not. If she loves and respects you, this shouldn't cause a problem as long as you show her love and respect when you confront her.



She could definitely be calling you much worse things than idiot, so be fair to the situation and it shouldn't be serious enough to escalate into an argument.



Remember, a relationship is a two person thing, and each person has the right to set standards and boundaries, no matter what they are. You decide how to be treated.

Answer 58

Its bad dont let her push over you like that

Answer 59

Being an idiot is her way of telling you she cares

Answer 60

"Fiancee" with two Es means a female. If that's the only reply she can make to a lame joke, then she has vocabulary problems; probably worse than your fondness for lame jokes. (BTW, are you generally funny or just lame?)

Answer 61

keep your male-ego sleeping as in the past. One more thing if she says so in a humorous and funny way just to laugh it off....its okay, but if she says so in an insulting tone...then you need to think about this relationship.

Answer 62

I think it is abusive ,BUT it is you not me , so if you don't mind it is OK . I think a fair thing to think about is IF YOU HATED IT would she stop calling you an idiot? If not she may not be the one for you . But reading you I think if you asked her not to she would stop.

Answer 63

I wouldn't want to be with anyone who addressed me in this manner, regardless of gender. Have you expressed your discomfort to your partner and asked for what you want changed? Nothing ventured, nothing gained....!

Answer 64

It is usual she's doing it in a playful manner to mess around!

Answer 65

It depends.

If you tell a corny joke or something and she jokingly says something like "your such an ideot." than it's just playful and isn't meant to be taken to heart but if she sort of half yells while saying it or has a strait face while saying it than you should probably get out of that relationship and find someone who appreciates you for being you

Answer 66

A fiancé is a male.

A fiancée is a female.

(It's French grammar)

If you want to avoid all the misspelling you can use the word "betrothed", but then it will be unclear about their sex.



So I believe you to be a male talking about a female.

Maybe what you say or do IS idiotic??

If not, then she is being unduly offensive.

Can you give us an example?



P.S. @Jake:



Maybe she doesn't know what an idiot really is. I'm old, so I would take offense if somebody called me that. Read this:



https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idiot



"It was formerly a technical term in legal and psychiatric contexts for some kinds of profound intellectual disability where the mental age is two years or less, and the person cannot guard himself or herself against common physical dangers."



Many words of today mean something different to young people than to old people. A silly busboy called a waiter a "douchebag" in front if a tablefull of elderly women, so I had a waitress explain the word to him.



Et cetera

Answer 67

IF YOU ARE AN IDIOT WHY THE HELL IS HE WITH YOU?? break it off! He is insecure.

Answer 68

Your co-workers obviously know the situation better than random strangers on the internet.