My boyfriend wants to move in with me, and marry me too. What should I do?

Question

We've been dating for about a year, and it has been a wonderful amazing, crazy beautiful 365 days. He's basically perfect for me with the exeption of two fatal flaws...

1. He is BROKE with a capital everything, and in spite of the fact that he proposed (and I accepted) three months ago,there is Still no ring :(

2.He constantly lives in fear of me breaking his heart because of a brutal breakup with his ex (she was caught in "the act" with his best friend).

I am a junior in college and I am (finally!) getting an apartment of my own in October. He wants to know if he can move in and "begin our life together". I know in my heart he loves me, but I cant afford to take care of his irresponsible behind. Im afraid that If I say no and tell him why, he will see it as a rejection and think im about to leave him (as usual).

HELP ME PLEASE! What do I say to him? Should I let him move in or leave him at the doorstep?

Answer 1

I would say the best thing to do would to sit down with him and talk to him about how this is your first apartment on your own, and if he's going to move in with you, you're going to need him to pull his weight around the place if he stays with you, in some way.



If he can find a job, then ask that since he's living with you that he help you out on some of the finances because this will be what the two of you will have to do while you're married anyway, so you might as well get accustomed to it all now



If he can't find a job, then he needs to be doing tasks around the house; cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. that way you're not doing everything for him and he's still helping out somehow.





As for not having a ring, the love of this man should be all you need. If he cannot afford a big expensive ring and thats' what you're gunning for from him, re-evaluate what love truly means to you, because you have to realize that there will be times in your life when you cannot afford the expensive, glamorous things in life (much like he cannot afford the ring at this moment) but that the love you two share should be what really holds value and is most important to you both.



And for the cheating thing, I would just say to him that you love him, and if you had wanted to be with someone else, you would be, but you love him, accepted his marriage proposal and are moving in with him, not someone else.

Answer 2

You are a junior in college who needs to experience life ON YOUR OWN. That is an experience you really should have if at all possible. There is a dimension of knowing who you are and how you function best that just becomes so much clearer when you have total responsibility for yourself (and no-one else) for a year or more.



What are your plans after you graduate? What are his plans for the next 2 years? After that? You must have some idea what you'd like to do with your life if you've completed 2 years of college. How does a guy who can't or won't hold a job fit into that? How does a clingy, insecure husband fit into your idea of a partnership like marriage? Love as a feeling is not enough to make a marriage (official or just living together) work. It takes a lot of responsibility, respect, compromise, and WORK.

By the way, when I was dating my now husband, and I graduated and took a job 5 hours away, he did cry and say "Don't leave me", (and emotional flashbacks of his ex-wife leaving him) but we talked and he calmed down. I moved into my own apt (rather than my parents house 30 min from where I had taken a job) in July. In September, he moved to the same town and rented a house of his own.



So, if it were me, I would tell him you are not ready for marriage yet, and he obviously is not ready for that much responsibility either, but that doesn't mean you are dumping him. You can both get your own place and continue dating until you are both in a better position (emotionally as well as in education & employment) to think about creating a partnership like marriage.



You should also be aware that people can get into a habit of using past hurts and their "emotional vulnerability" to control others. Just like a little kid- when I cry, I get what I want. You are only responsible for your own actions. If he has so much fear of rejection from past experiences, then he needs to get some counseling and deal with that BEFORE he thinks about getting married.

Answer 3

You are truly in a tough spot. But being able to evaluate and recognize the flaws that could potentially bring an end to your relationship is the first step.



The fact that you have doubts about letting him move in with you answers your question right off the bat. There's no doubt that you love him and want to build a future with him. But being with someone who is financially unstable can be a large stress factor. Be upfront and completely honest with him about your uncertainties. Possibly express that you want to experience living by yourself first before you rush into sharing living space and BILLS together.



One of your priorities might also be to finish up college, so let him know that you think it would be a good idea to wait until you're BOTH financially stable to really start building a home together. Be sure to not make him feel like there's something wrong with who he is and they way he's doing something and that these are issues that you can BOTH work on TOGETHER.



Be sure to ask him what he really thinks about everything -- chances are he may be feeling as anxious and unsure as you are. Especially if he is so afraid of getting hurt and recovering from a past break up. His proposal may be a way to ensure that you won't leave him or break his heart. Reassure him that you already accepted his marriage proposal and love him unconditionally. But moving in together is NOT the solution for his insecurities -- especially at your expense (no pun intended).



Maybe later on you can help him set financial goals for himself - which in the long run might be your joint goals.



And certainly don't sweat not having a ring yet. Money and material things should not be the solution nor the root of relationship problems -- but they are huge factors. Honesty will also be the best policy. Good luck!

Answer 4

You don't have to do either of those things. Tell him you want BOTH of you to be financially stable before moving your relationship any more.

Maybe set a goal for him, like when he saves enough money for a ring & has $5000 in the bank, THEN you can move in together & think about actually setting a date.

Let him know you need to experience living on your own for a while, so you'll become a stronger person in the long run.

Then, tell him about whatever financial goal you have for yourself so he doesn't feel like you're telling him he has money problems.

Sounds like he needs counseling too, suggest that. Tell him you have to go to premarital counseling anyway, and maybe this extra step will allow him to resolve those trust issues. Tell him he's worth it, he deserves to be happy, not always wondering if the same thing will happen to him again. It might help him get the help he needs.

Stay strong, live alone, if he wants this relationship to work, he's gotta work for it, you both do.

Answer 5

If he can find a job, then ask that since he's living with you that he help you out on some of the finances because this will be what the two of you will have to do while you're married anyway, so you might as well get accustomed to it all now

Answer 6

Oh, honey, I see red flags everywhere! No,no, don't let him move in yet. He's broke, he has no ring for you, and he's INSECURE! You only have 2 more years to get your college degree. If you end up supporting this guy, you may end up working several jobs to manage and it may affect your grades (and, thus, your GPA and future job offers). If you let him move in, you will have a terrible time getting him to leave and he'll use that "emotional blackmail (I'm insecure because of my past girlfriend) against you and make your life H*@@. Tell him you now have a major in college and have to work hard to keep a good GPA the next two years. You cannot get married OR move in until you graduate. Tell him you love him, but you want a husband with huge potential. Tell him you will get the education you need for your upcoming marriage, and he should get his act together, too. When you have graduated you will be ready for living together and/or marriage, but not until. Tell him you love him and you hope he understands your decision, but if he doesn't, it still YOUR decision for now. You need a SECURE man, with an education, a job and a willingness to work hard for your union. Stick to your values, honey. You know what to do. A husband is a father for your future children. He needs to be a man with goals, incentive, and determination.

Answer 7

Hi. Its great that he told you that he loves you and wants to marry you but i wouldn't live with im yet. If he doesn't have his money together then he needs to do that first or he will drag you down. You are to close to being done with school to let a situation like that give you bad credit. If he really loves you he will (it may take time) understand. Tell him that you are not breaking his heart but now it not the right time to start living together with school and work it would be better for both of you to start saving up now so yall can get a great place later. I personally do not support people living together before marriage. But if you tell him no and he lets you go then he really isn't worth your time. You have the rest of your life to live together. Before you marry him get a credit check or you will have to put everything in your name

HOpe this helps!!

Answer 8

You should take a weekend or so apart to let yourself think. You need to figure out if you really truely love him or if you just have accepted you two are together. As for finances is there a reason for it? If hes broke because he doesn't make much or is it because he wastes money. There are several factors to think about. Make a compromise tell him if he has a job where he can help you with bills he can move in. As far as his ex you should just sit down with him and talk about it. Tell him how much you care but that his obsession with her is straining your relationship. In the end you are the only one who will know the best decision.

Answer 9

Don't be stupid, young lady. If he's broke now, he'll be broke when he moves in with you. You seem to be an intelligent young lady who deserves a man of equal stature. If your boyfriend really loved you and REALLY wanted to get married to you, he would find a job. Better yet, he would get an education while working...just like you.



Everything is honky dorey now, but if he moves in while being unemployed, that is going to continue throughout the course of the relationship. He's going to expect you to take care of him. However, if you get it established now that the only way that the two of you could live together is that both of you must work, he may hold on to a job after he gets it.



Your boyfriend is obviously used to your taking care of him for the last 365 days. If he moves in things will get worse. You may even grow tired of taking care of his grown azz but his insecure characteristics may refuse to let you go. (Obsession)



Think about, if he's been BROKE for the last 365 days, what makes you think that he won't be broke for the next 365 days to come?



TELL THE MAN TO GET A JOB FIRST.

Answer 10

You should stay. Tell him you want to wait until you graduate from college before moving in or marrying. I wish I did, because I would have finished my degree sooner, but my husband and I had different issues going on at the time and it was in our financial interest to move in together. He will eventually get over those two issues, it takes time, experience and lots of trust. If you feel ready for that, don't give up on him! My husband took a while to grow up when it came to money, but thanks me every day for sticking with him and showing him the responsible way (I took over the bills, and then he did and learned the HARD way!) We went through the bad breakup before, too. THat is just time to work it out. He will if you keep reminding him that you love him beyond his faults, which he can overcome if he wants to be the man he thinks he should for you.

Answer 11

Been there, done that, divorced!!!!! Try to have equal footing in a marriage. Why is he broke? No job? Cant keep a job? Using money unwisely? You are an educated person, this is a major decision that will affect the rest of your life. Think about this. " Picture his worst habit everyday for the rest of your life,if you can handle that picture do it, if not politely explain why you cannot go through with this." Love is not the ONLY criteria for a marriage. Best of everything to you and to him.

Answer 12

tell him you love him and would love to do that, but he needs to show you that he can be responsible. Give him lets says 6 monthes to get his act together then you willl consider having him move in with you.



be specific about the goals that you would like to see hiim achieve in that time, i.e pay bills on time, pay donw credit, etc.



I wouldnt worry too much about a ring though. wouldnt it mean more to you if he, lets say came into the relationship debt free, versus in hock and you having a ring on your finger



don't compromise your goals for him. youare on the right track and you must be firm with him. if he doesn't do it, then you have a choice to make and honeslty I would let him go because if he has a lack of control now, if wont get any better once you are together (plus you'll get tired of being the "parent") he has to bring something to the table in the relationship too



IF you decide to go ahead and marry him, i suggest a prenup - seriously



good luck

Answer 13

ask him to give it some time and tell him why.

if you see that he doesn't improve with his habits, then tell him no if that's not what you like in a man, then just call it off. even though you are EXTREMELY happy with him, this WILL bother you now and that's going to affect your future together. tell him you also have a few things that you would like accomplish since you are still in college and since you're getting an apartment of your own for the first time, tell him that you're not ready to live with someone else yet and that you want to get use to the habitat of your new home. you shouldn't have to baby him cuz that's what it seems like since he's irresponsible. ask him to give it time (:



i wish you the BEST of luck <3

Answer 14

If you have any doubt than by all means hold off on that decision. You need to be certain where things are going. Think with your heart & your mind. Because once you move in together and all that, the finite things will pop up and problems will just grow.

Answer 15

NOOOOOOO!!!!!! DO not move this loser in!!!!!! Obviously he knows you got your s**t together.... don't let you heart make the desicion for you!!!!! Get your apartment, wait for the ring!!!! He is feeding a line!!!!He knows that you feel for him. So, he tells you everything you want to hear... IF he really cared he wouldn't put such a burden on you. ASK YOURSELF When you guys go out to the movies or diner...WHO PAYS???? that alone will telll you what to do. also will tell you if you've been hooked, lined and sunked.

Answer 16

tis' not really easy coz ur 1 word to him is gonna decide ur life.



If u think u can really really trust him....but u c if u really like him u wud'nt have posted tis q.....itz not hard to giv sum1 365 days of full enjoyment... wat abt tellin' him to prove it to u tat he's worth u-mayb he'll become at bit more responsible or sumthin'....

k, well i'm nt really good at this but the best thing to do wud b to consider ur parents and see their opinion abt him....& dn't care "abt breakin' sumbody's heart or sumthin" just dn't break that of God's.



Take care...dn't hurt urself, keep 1 thing in mind-it's not possible to live without breakin sum1z heart coz every1can't b right-it's not wrong to say 'no' -if u r right & u know it then u need to b a bit assertive.



Life is God's gift to u, what u do in life is ur gift to God.

Answer 17

You should leave him at the door steps......

You're taking this relationship too fast, you don't KNOW if he's your true love, and this is just high school, people would just date you, nothing more.........

He's VERY immature, and he thinks that every relationship is just SOO real, and that ya'll are gonna spend forever and ever, you have a life too, if you wanna dump himm, then you can dump himm, you need to think about what's right for you.........

And, getting married is not the option, He DOES like you, but he just, doesn't know what love means, love is waiting, not demanding.........

You have to wait until your old enough what love means, and this isn't lovee, it's just some massive, explosion, of madd crushing here, and he loves you, and think marriage is the option............

And, ANYWAYS, MY POINT ISS..........

Do you really love himm back, do you think that ya'll are REALLY gonna spend together forever.........

I'm trying to help here, cause what I DO from peope doing something stupid..........

You're too young to get married......Just don't face through that..........



I hoped I helped



Good Luck!

Answer 18

life is not always so easy. and you would agree that money is an important part of it. so think practically. ask him first to stand on his own. make him feel about his responsibilities. in the long run love will fade if you marry a broke person since you will have to take all the responsibilties, from him to your new family.

if he is not ready to stand on his own you should leave him and move on.

after all life doesn't end here.

Answer 19

You've found a guy who has made you feel 'wonderful, amazing, crazy beautiful' for 365 days in a row, you need to marry him! My man was flat broke and working 3 jobs when we married. It was a rough go at first, with "his" bills and "my" bills piling up, but we worked through it together! it's been 15 'wonderful, amazing, crazy beautiful' years so far, so don't move in together - until you are married!



I wish you well!

Answer 20

Just say, I'm not ready for that yet. And not to be mean but u shud have rejected his proposal and told him that he needs to really get his life together first before thinking about moving with someone. Just tell him that ur not ready even though its him thats not ready. You need a man thats financially in check. and knows whut to do in life.

Answer 21

I can't believe this is even a question. The guy's is obviously a bum.



Money DOES matter. Lack of it is one of the number one causes of marital problems. It's just a fact of life. At LEAST insist that you will marry him only on the condition that he first gets his financial act together. That means-- money in his pocket, no dept AND a stable means of continuing to make a living. If he won't do it now for the opportunity to marry you-- what's going to motivate him after the fact?





If you want to subject yourself to a life of hardship and heartbreak-- by all means-- marry him now.

Answer 22

hun if hes broke your going to end up taking care of him financially. Can you really afford it? It might start off with him contributing financially but then one day he could say aw babe i dont got my half the rent this month can i pay you back next week an sometimes or most times next week never comes and it will just get worse and worse.

Answer 23

First, never say yes to a man who can't even get you a ring. Wait for him to realize what he really wants and for him to buck up and do what he has to do in order to keep it. And the ex thing, that's dumb he shouldn't make you suffer for what he did, he needs to seriously take stock of what he has and get over it. Don't let hiim move in, let him know you can't afford everything for two people right now and if he wants to he has to help contribute. Your his girlfriend/fionce, not his momma. Either buck up or get on is what you should tell him

Answer 24

IMO you should NOT allow him to move in...he doesn't want to start your life together, he wants someone to be able to live off of.



Until he's taking care of himself and independent, then he's not someone ready to marry...just be straight with him (if he doesn't like it, oh well) because you've got to be realistic in life and although money isn't everything it DOES matter.



Let him know you care about him and when he's got his Life together you'll be ready to move forward with him...until then, things can remain between you two as they are now.

Answer 25

I think you already know what to do. At this point in his life, he can't take care of himself. Do you want to be with/marry someone like that. I'd tell him that you love him and the relationship, but you need to know he can be responsible for himself. Tell him to shape up and once he proves to you that he can do it, he can move in with you and the two of you can start your life together.

Answer 26

It sounds to me like he has some issues that he needs to deal with before the two of you make any more committments to each other. It isn't healthy for either of you that he is so afraid of you breaking up with him. It keeps him in constant anxiety. For you, it will eventually get to be annoying and emotionally draining. That is an issue of HIS that he needs to work out with himself. It has nothing to do with you, and you don't deserve to put up with that for the rest of your life.



Second, he needs to be able to support himself before is in any position to commit to spending his life with someone else. If you want him to move in with you, fine. But it would be best if you made it clear that he has to pay his share (half) of everything. If he can't do that, then he can't live there.



Take it from someone who has had a very bad relationship, learned from it, and is now happily married: you need to be able to recognize when issues are yours, his, and 'ours.' It sounds like both of these issues are his. Sure, you can support him emotionally as he works through them, but ultimately he is the one that must work through them.

Answer 27

If you love him and want to take the next step let him move in. Make it clear from the start that you will not be finacially responsible for him. Make a list and divide the costs so it is fair for both of you, and make sure you both agree to it.

Keep your chin up, it might be the best thing you ever do. Good luck.

Answer 28

I wouldn't let him move in. Tell him your not ready for that step and would rather wait until your schooling is done and your married before you live together. If he can't understand or respect your wishes then he really doesn't love you. Sounds like to me he just wants a crash pad anyway.

Answer 29

You should try to talk to him and tell him your concerns. Tell him that in order to get married you will need financial security and stability. Tell hem that if he wants to be your roommate you will have to share the costs and bills that come along with it. Honesty is your best ally in this case. Tell him that you love him but that people do not live only on love and that you need theese things.

Answer 30

explain to him you would love to, but it wouldbe the cost unless he can get a job and hold it down, say to him you would marry him and still after three months you have no ring, just say you both need more of a cashflow for it to work living together then tell him how speicial he is

Answer 31

Its fine if you let him move in with you but you got to talk to him and tell him that he needs a job because its important for a man to work and support his girl or wife, tell him that your not going to be the one supporting him just like that.

Answer 32

He really sounds very dependent. Discuss your concerns about financial stablility as a couple, and how you both need clean credit reports and at least 2 months savings.

Honestly if he is that insecure to think that you are about to leave him at every move, you need to assess if you are ready to deal with that constantly through your life.

Answer 33

Tell him "no" at this time. He will probably never change for the better. Get an education - not a family. He will be more jealous if you have a baby and you will always be tied down to him.

Answer 34

Leave him at the doorstep. If he's still unmotivated and hasn't made any moves to change that, you'll be the one stuck paying for the rest of your life. Sounds like he wants a place to crash.

Answer 35

Only on the condition that he gets a job, pays at least half of the expenses. You don't want to be in school and have this guy mooching off of you.

Answer 36

If you're a Christian, you can simply let him know - Not til you get married - and you need to stand strong on your own and not let a man bring you down $$$$ wise - Let him get his financial situation straight - Number 1

Answer 37

moving in is a big responsibility. especially when the whole apartment is full of your stuff. if he can't bring anything to the table now, what makes you think he can in the future. face it, you need someone who can help not someone you have to help. if i were you (and of course I'm not so don't take it personal) make sure that he can take care of his self before he can take care of you.

Answer 38

well this is really a question you should think about.only let him move in if he gets a job first and have him help with the bills.if he loves you like you say he will do that.if he dont then you know he isnt meant for you.then just tell him the way it is cause you cant support him and you to unless he helps.good luck.

Answer 39

hello he is BROKE, afraid of getting dumped, and is insecure. He wants to cling to you, and is pressuring you...dump him now because dumping him while living with u could get pretty ugly....ask him if he has any goals in life besides finding a way to get u a ring???

Answer 40

I would honestly sit him down, and talk it out with him. I know that seems simple, but I have found it actually works. He apparently isn't ready to support you, cash-wise here, and that is an issue that needs to be addressed. Try to talk it out with him, and be gentle. Don't do anything rash because you don't want to hurt his feelings.

Answer 41

give him an ultimatum, being broke and not making enough money are completely different. if he is not working and broke, get rid of him, he's not worth keeping around. but if he is working I'd say give him a chance, tell him what you feel. if you talk to someone like an adult usually they will act like one

Answer 42

Doorstep! If he cant handle you telling him the truth about not wanting to support him, you need to leave him. He sounds WAY too immature and insecure.

Answer 43

Yes You should, BUT he has to get a job by ____ number of weeks after moving in. No extensions, no excuses, "no job-no room" at Your place. Always remember it is Your place, not his & Yours. Sounds like he's getting the better deal.

Answer 44

tell him to get a JOB! even if its a minimun wage job something is something.... and if he doesnt he just wants someone to take care of him finacialy for the rest of his life

dont let him move in with you till he gets a job and keeps it.

Answer 45

dont move in with him until you are married, it goes against a lot of principles and IF you guys were to break up that would be an issue

Answer 46

obviously you are not ready for this commitment if you have to ask random strangers on the net.



p.s. trust is a MAJOR component of a relationship and money strain is one of the MAJOR reasons for couples fighting and divorcing. so, you problems are much larger than you think. just because you won't let him move in with you does not mean it is the end of your relationship. you just need more time --for him to mature and get his life together!

Answer 47

You should let him know that if he wants to move in ,that he needs to find a job first and if he can't then he's not moving in.If you love him let him know how you feel.

Answer 48

The impressin I get from your story is that you think your man is an insecure deadbeat. If you feel this way... why are you even with him?

Answer 49

be honest with him. seems like to me your not trying to be cruel you are just being real. your in colllege for peeps sake.

tell him that you think it would be better for you two to get married & for him to get stable first-that's the way that's it's supossed to be anyways- & if he truely loves you he will understand.

Answer 50

make him get a job and forget his ex. if he can do that for you then tell him yes!

Answer 51

this is the kinda q u ask your friends//family not people over the Internet

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Answer 52

Make it clear, without being a *****, that you need a ring. And if he shows the commitment in getting you one, then you'll show the commitment of moving in w/ him.

Answer 53

Does he have anywhere else to go? If so, wait 'till the wedding. If not, and since you proposed, let him in!

Answer 54

tell him to get a job and then you'll consider moving him in

Answer 55

He needs to marry you first - Then he can move in.......

Answer 56

no ring, no fling.

show you are serious and consider it done.

If not, then stay on your own

Answer 57

Dump him.

Answer 58

he doesn't seem to trust you

Answer 59

no, tell the bum to get some money

Answer 60

Simple ... Let him marry and let him move in.

Answer 61

trust your instincts and do what you must...

Answer 62

Say "yes!"