How do you get over being dumped for putting on 15lbs?

Question

My boyfriend for over a year dumped me two days ago. My whole life feels like it has fallen apart. We were perfect together...we communicated, understood each other, compromised, listened, and were reasonable. We had our occasional hissy fits, and i went on emotional tantrums, but nothing serious.

Few months ago, he mentioned that i was putting on weight and that he would honestly break up with me if it got worse. Its not like I am obese...just a bit overweight. I had putten on 15 pounds since we s I took it personally at first, but knew that he was right and for my own good, I should be healthier. This motivated me...and I started working out and eating healthier. I would slack off some weeks and would encourage his reminders, but like many people I put on weight very quickly...and takes forever to lose weight. I've lost maybe 5 pounds.

Lately i've noticed a vibe from him...he has been indifferent, not really there. Sex has been unpassionate and less often. So i've been asking him "is everything ok", just suspecting something small is bothering him only since i'm addressing the weight issue. So...yesterday when I asked him this, the flood gates just opened...and he told me everything. He said that he has lost romantic feelings for me but he will always love me as a friend. he told me that this has been the best relationship he has ever been in. He doesn't know why he has lost his feelings for me and he's being trying to pinpoint it, but he knows what he is feeling are real. He wants to stay friends because i've been his best friend. He says he doesn't see a future for us. He told me he has lost the spark. He claims there's no other girl...and I don't suspect any other girl either. It's pretty clear why it happened....he's not attracted to me anymore. There's no easy way to accept that. He's hot...no doubt about it, but I am too, even after i've put on 15 pounds. It just hurts to know the person you love and planned to be with forever can tell you that he doesn't love you anymore. I made it clear I would do whatever is necessary to help us, change..whatever...i asked him for 1 month. He wasn't willing to give me that month and said he was sure his feelings wouldn't change back. i just wanted that month so I can process what's happening. This hit me like a ton of bricks...

Getting dumped isn't easy...I used this space more to vent...but....I guess my question is...how do I get over it? Should I call him and plead and beg? How can i just make my days easier? Today I had to leave work early because I felt like throwing up. haven't eaten, and I feel panic attacks coming on.

*sigh*... any suggestions/feedback would be appreciated. So sad...

Answer 1

Absolutely do not call and plead and beg. That's only going to annoy him, make you look desperate, and give you false hope.



If he's not into you then there's not too much you can do. If he's going to drop you over 15 pounds, especially when you were making progress in losing it, that's terribly shallow of him. More likely there's something else afoot. Something might have changed as a result of the weight gain, something subtle in your or his personality and the way each of you treat the other. Or something might have changed well before he complained about your weight, such as his attraction switching to something or someone else. Or someone's taking someone for granted. Too many variables.



The best thing to do is to do what needs to be done. Get yourself ready to make your own way in life and find a guy who appreciates you for all you can offer, not just your eye-candy quotient.

Answer 2

You say he broke up with you about weight, but you also mention hissy fits, emotional tantrums, a lack of sex, etc. Did he mention the weight recently or are you just assuming its the weight you have a reason to a) "blame him" or b) put yourself down? Because when you say "It's pretty clear what happened" reading this as an outsider, I don't see anything clear. I see assumptions and potentially many things that could have went wrong.



I just read this book called "The 5 Love Languages" ... I'd check it out if I were you. What may not "be a big deal" to you might be a big deal to your partner. Him saying he doesn't even know what happened suggests that perhaps there was more to this than 15 lbs. For one, people usually gain 15 lbs during a time of stress or depression....its possible that whatever caused you to gain weight may have also wedged between you and your man. To make relationships work, you've got to find out what really makes a person feel close to their partner ... you can't always assume that its the same thing that makes you feel close or that if they aren't saying anything, nothings wrong. Seriously, read this book.



Edit: Also, I have a friend who gained a lot of weight and her boyfriend talked to us about it secretly. He told us its not so much the weight that bothers him, but that she's different since she gained weight. She herself has admitted that she's not sexually confident and that she doesn't want to be seen naked. He wanted the sex and passion back, the weight was a symptom, not the cause of the problem.

Answer 3

Hmmm oh the feedback i Could give you...



What NOT to do : Call him, Beg

WHY: becuz he already told you No, and he made sure you knew he was being serious and meant it. He said he wanted to continue being your friend, but if you are begging and pleading and doing all kinds of games, he is going to drop you and not be friends with you.



What To DO: Take a break... It sounds like you are too hurt from what he has said. And no doubt *huggles* after a year of time and love its going to hurt for awhile. BUT it will get better, i promise you

take as much time as you need, whether it be 2 weeks or 2 years. Let him know that you are doing this so you can get over him and not have complicated feeling while being friends.

.

WHY:Take a break so You can clear your head and move on. You're going to want to move on, otherwize being friends is going to be too hard. Theres going to be too much strain on your heart and you will end up driving him away, or being driven away by painful emotions (lets say down the road he gets a gf, and you are not over him, you wont react well).



As for you anxiety attacks, sit down and put your head inbetween your legs. Take breaths very deeply. take 10 deep breathes.



I would also suggest meditation.



As well for the throwing up and not eating. I used to be anorexic/bulimic... That is the slowest way to lose weight possible. Your body will start to eat your muscle before it will eat its fat, so not only will you be over weight you'll be a shapless blob



Also, why not get a gym membership? go every day, or even every other day. (im not saying do full work outs) and maybe gor for a walk on the treadmill with your music blaring on run. Not only will you feel better from your body releasing endorphins, you'll feel yourself build up an appetite (this is your que to eat not Less food but the RIGHT food.). it will occupy your time, making it go faster, you'll feel healthier in body, and about yourself.



good luck hun

xo

msg me if you wanna talk

Answer 4

First, calm yourself down. Who is to say that you wont get back together? Keep that in mind when you feel panic attacks bubbling up. Don't call him and beg, you're too good for that. Just stay with your exercising and diet plan for a few weeks, and give him some space. Also, try spicing up your wardrobe, getting a facial and manicure. Do something nice for yourself while you mellow out.You'll both have time to think about the situation, and who knows? Maybe he'll see how hard you are working and come back to you.



And if not, (sometime down the road) you can find someone else who will love you no matter what you look like.

Answer 5

He was not right and this was not for your own good! Studies (like the following link) show that people who are slighly overweight live longer. http://tinyurl.com/obesityandlifespan And this isn't the only one.



Besides it's very clear that the only reason he dumped you is because he is shallow and controlling. You may also want to look up facts on emotional abuse and the cycle of violence because this guy is almost certainly abusive. This action certainly was, and you deserve better.



Polls universally show a larger percentage or men prefer the look of women who are mildly to moderately overweight, so this is 100% HIS problem. I'm so sorry this happened to you, but it's a good thing because maybe now you can get a boyfriend who's worth your time!!!

Answer 6

Just get over him, he's made it clear that he doesn't want to get back with you. Get everything about him out of your life; photos, phone numbers... everything, just get rid of it. And if being just friends is too painful then stop seeing him.



Begging and pleading with him in an attempt to get him back isn't going to do either of you any good at all... its going to make him feel pressured into going back, and you are going to be constantly asking him about where you stand.



Not all relationships last and you have got to accept that and move on, you'll find another person who is a lot better and is worthy of your time and energy. Everyone goes through these feelings, and I know your hurting right now, but things will get better in time.

Answer 7

Staying friends would be torture for both of you. When relationships end, the feelings don't, but someone threw passion out the window with the bath water. Guys should know that women are very sensitive in how they look, especially their weight. i would never bring up a woman's weight unless it was done out of love, a true expression for the health and welfare of that person. Maybe being diabetic has sensitized me to that, but women want to be loved unconditionally~~he won't give you a month or for that matter, he won't give you anything and what hurts the most, his love.



Do what you have to do for you. Get a physical from your doctor and then go and join a gym for the physical, mental and emotional healing you need to do. I hate to say it, but falling out of love wit him would not be the worst thing and you don't need his permission. Keep your self-esteem and integrity in place as much as possible~~they tend to be cruel casualties in broken hearts.

Answer 8

To me, it sounds like he lost interest long before you gained the 15 lbs. He was just trying to find an excuse to ditch you and took the cowards way out.



Don't call him, don't plead. If he's shallow or trying to find an excuse to ditch you, he's not worth your time. He's not as great as you once thought he was.



Life will go on and things will get better over time. You'll find someone else who will accept you for who you are, no matter what your size. And make sure you keep busy. Don't allow yourself to think too much about it.

Answer 9

It sounds like he is extremely shallow, and he was lucky to have someone who cared about him as much as you. He really doesn't deserve you. Getting back together with him wouldn't be good for you, especially since eventually you're both going to get old, and you should do it with someone who's going to accept you for who you are and not get upset over minor physical changes. It would be really hard, but the best thing to do would be to stop talking to him completely. Not even as friends. You should find someone who really cares about you and isn't shallow enough that you have to worry that after 10 years he'll dump you because you're "getting old"

Answer 10

oh girl,



There is another girl! he wouldn't have made up his mind like that so final!!



Why would you want someone like that?

If he dumped you for gaining weight, then ask yourself this please, what is it that he "does" like about you? If he loved you for your heart, pretty eyes or even the way you kissed him, then weight and looks wouldn't matter to him. You don't wanna be with someone like that, he prob looks at other girls when you go out, who may have slimmer bodies than you.



You don't need that honey!



I was 210 lbs when I was 16, I was in and out of the hospital bc i starved myself after my EX told me he was embarrassed to be seen with me.



I dumped him, lost weight for myself, (well for my vacation in catalina) and now I'm 165 lbs and with an amazing man!



You deserve better baby girl! don't give him the time of day! if he loves you, HE'S THE ONE WHO WILL BE CALLING AND BEGGING AND SAYING HOW DUMB AND SHALLOW HE WAS!



Please be strong, surround yourself with friends, keep busy and be the amazing girls you know how to be, someone will come and notice your true beauty and you'll be over that shallow bastard in no time!



Take care and smile bright!



-Francesca

Answer 11

Okay first of all girl it's one thing for him to think you were starting to gain to much weight and want u to loose a few pounds for "your" health. But, clearly he wants you to loose weight so you will be easier on his eyes. This is just ridiculous of him to act this way. Listen to me, this man does NOT love you! If he did he would not give a crap how you look you would always be beautiful to him. And girl if he really thought that your relationship with him was the best one that he had ever been in do you really think that he would throw it all away over 15 pounds? No, he wouldn't and if he was really in love with you and if he was a real man he would be glad to have the extra 15 pounds cause that would just be more of you to love. Girl you gotta quit thinking that this man is so great he sounds like scum to me. Yeah, it hurts cause your in love with him. But, trust me it fades in time. Get on with your life!

Answer 12

THank you for sharing so candidly, and also I am very happy to hear that you know yourself to be attractive even though you put on justa few (15) pounds.



I have good news for you. It requires your boyfriend to know this.



Do you know when people say. Oh, I love you, but I am not IN love with you.



What do they really mean? If you truly understand that it would be helpful, because that is what your boyfriend is saying.



Anyway, listen



When someone really loves another person, they do not stop loving them.



It is similar to how when you are reading this you do not remember that you like chocolate cake. now that you remember chocolate cake, you say, yes I like chocolate cake. but just a moment ago, sinceyour awareness was on reading this information , your mind was distracted from chocolate cake. So, when you don't think of chocolate cake, it does not mean you do not like chocolate cake.



Basically, what has happened is that his mind at first used to be intensely focused on you. He had to be focused, because he had to figure out what you are thinking or what you are feeling, and he had to be on his tipie toes, watching his actions and get ready for you and all that stuff. anyhow so his mind was intenesely focused on you.



Once he was with you for a long time, he may have not focused on you as much, the bit of weight addage didn't help. So you were no longer at the forfront of his consciousness. here is were the mistake happens. people often think that what they feel is truth. however in many circumstances what they feel is a influenced by what they concentrate on. That is how some magicians, hypnotists and other tricksters who are mind manipulators control their subjects. Anyhow, when your boyfriedn focused less and less on you, naturally you were not as important in his mind. then he feels like he is not thinking of you so much, and so he thinks that he is not in love with you anymore.



At the begining of a relationship, since people are on-guard about how they act in front of the other person, and are focused on them, they are at a state of anxiousness. People MISTAKE this feeling that goes along with the relationship as part of BEING IN LOVE. When he does not feel that nervious feeling, and his mind is not intensely aware of you he MISTAKENLY thinks that he is not in love with you anymore. So all that has happened is that his attention has shifted. that's all. Now, he thinks that he is being sincere with himself, which is good, which means that if he hears this information he may look into it.



Now along this point, we as guys have been conditioned to focus on women's attractive bodies. However, there is much much joy in beauty of the person on the inside, meaning the thoughts and the beautiful feelings, etc. Problem is , is that you have been throwing emotional tantrums, and that is not a beautiful behavior. When you said that, it surprised me. Um, maybe waht you say is correct that it is nothing serious. BUt if it is, to me a s a guy when a person throws an emotional tantrum it is a serious thing, since how can a guy connect with you emotionally, when you are throwing emotional tantrums, how can he become aware and connect to the beauty that is available on the inside of you, your feelings, nd beautiful thoughts, when those thoughts and feelings are a source of chaos?



Anyway by for now, If you have a follow up question about this dont hesitate to ask.

Answer 13

Be grateful that he removed 180+ pounds of shallow, impatient jerk from your life without you even having to lift a finger? I mean, if he couldn't look past a lousy 10 pounds that you were making a sincere effort to lose and focus on all your other good qualities, can you imagine how he would have reacted if you'd stayed with him long enough to have kids?



Cry it out, distract yourself with activities, lean on your family and friends...whatever you need to do. Just don't call him. And please, eat something. It'll help restore your emotional balance.

Answer 14

You don't indicate your age, but since work is involved I will assume that you are an adult. My take is to move on, do some group things and get involved in something that you enjoy. Don't get into another relationship quickly nor beg. If it is going to work some time might help.

Answer 15

a lot of girls make the mistake of expecting things. huge things. like futures together and thinking that when someone says they love you, it means that they want to spend the rest of their life with you. the fact is, most teenagers can't tell someone else that because they're not ready to get married and do all of the things that most grown adults do. its not the right stage in life. and your boyfriend shouldn't have expected you to change. relationships need to be taken for what they are. there can be hopes, and strong ones at that. but it is HORRIBLY dangerous to have a "i can stick with him/her because i know they'll change." outlook. you've got to look at relationships as they are in the moment you are looking at them. if you realize that you never were guaranteed any kind of future with this boy, maybe it can help you get over him.





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Answer 16

let your emotions go, if you want to cry cry for hours, if you feel like comfort eating do it! do what you need to do to cope. but DO NOT call him pleading with him to come back you will just feel like a fool afterwards. surround yourself with close friends and family to help you move through this hard spot. but you will move on and find the person you are meant to be with. dont be discouraged, and dont let this hurt your self esteem.

Answer 17

personally , if you like the way you look stay the way you are and make no changes , oh well if he has a problem he's with you or without you by you crying is going to make him take advantage of you ... ignore him and do what you do and see what happens

Answer 18

A good boyfriend wouldn't dump you for that stupid reason.

Answer 19

Any guy who walks away from his girlfriend because she gained 15 pounds is not worth chasing. Find somebody that cares about you not your 15 pounds.

Answer 20

"Oh, did I ever get around to telling you about the time I accidentally joined an orgy with him and several other attractive women? Haha, he was such a riot!"

Answer 21

He's a shallow, controlling loser, sorry. You're better off without him.

Answer 22

i have never gained that much weight so fast in my life.but dont feel bad.hes a dumb ***!guys should accept us for the way we are!dont beat yourself up over that.

Answer 23

Try comfort food like lots of bbq and chocolate cake with ice cream.

Answer 24

i would seriously loose those 15 lbs

and then when he sees you his gonna be shock and want you back and you better say no because your better without him.

Answer 25

wtf! you need to find a guy who loves you for who you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!not your weight!!!!!!!!your ex is ******* shallow!!!!!!!!!!!! im so sorry! hes such a fu*k face!!!!!!!!i would bury him alive and find someone new!!!!!

Answer 26

kill him