...How to solve "Daddy Issues"?

Question

This is a serious issue, please don't leave any nasty or obnoxious comments.

My mom and my father were married for 27 years (only God knows how) being that he physically & emotionally abused her and my five older siblings, As well as cheating on her multiple times. My point is, although I did have a Very prominent father figure in my life, it was an extremely negative one. My oldest memory (I must have been 5 or so) was of my dad beating my oldest sister with a glass bottle, until she collapsed on the floor crying. why? She didn't clean the microwave well enough. My second oldest memory was of me coming downstairs to find my father on a porn website; And when I asked what the lady was doing with the man's "pee pee" in her mouth (keep in mind I was 7, and a 'pee pee' was still a unmentionable body part ) and his exact words that I can remember to this day were "She's cleaning something". WTF?
Yeah. Pretty ****** up, right? It gets worse. So if you're already pretty disgusted, please feel obliged to click that little 'Left' Arrow on the top left of your computer screen. I can't blame you.

So.
Evil father beats family, yada yada. But as much as my subconscious tries to block it out.. he was also was pretty sick in other ways too. I had just turned 8 when he first touched me. Not something I like to remember... Thank god for selective amnesia. This carried on for 3 years until it got completely serious, and I realized in my 11 year old head that this couldn't be right. So I told my mom. She had already separated my dad 5 years prior (although they weren't yet divorced, so he was allowed to come and go in the house as he pleased) She immediately put me through counseling and got a restraining order that lasted about 4 months, before she dropped the charges. Why? Because in a freak accident, my father had broken his back. and with his history (If she actually HAD gone through with the charges of child abuse/ect) he would be thrown in jail. And while I was disgusted with myself constantly for letting him do that **** to me, she claimed that he wasn't fit to go to jail. My mom was one hell of a saint. Seriously.
My point is... to this day he disgusts me. Whenever I see him (which is on a every-other-day basis now, even though I'm almost all grown up & My parents are Looong since divorced) I get this gross feeling. When he gets close for a hug I have to squeeze my eyes shut and bite my tongue in order not to make an audible noise of absolute disgust. My (Noted, VERY) Christian mother says "He's been through counseling.. he's sorry for what he did." But I can't get over what happened. I flinch whenever he touches my elbow even. You have no idea how repulsed I am when he kisses my forehead; which he's made a habit of lately. He pretended to not have any memory of what happened so many years ago... but I can't seem to forget. Or sleep, because of it for that matter.
Anyways.. now that you have the Whole back story:

This may seem childish. But recently I've been having some extreme issues with relationships.. I have horrible commitment issues with men. And as backwards as this seems, I often ruin my pending relationships with significant others by jumping into bed WAY too fast. It's not that I crave the attention or anything... I just want to be wanted (*Cough* CORNY *Cough*) ..But very true. & Whenever it comes to talking about my father (or my childhood at all for that matter) I either get overly skittish or pull a blank, and switch the subject *Quickly!*. This has resulted in me only having one outstandingly Long relationship (Almost 2 years.) Coincidentally.. it was my faults that ended it. The regret full part? He was the first man in my life that I Ever trusted enough to share my past 'Father' issues with. Two days later we broke up. the disgust that I had bottled up all that time came out, and I took it out on him because I was so embarrased. Ever since he scampered away with his tail in between his legs, I haven't seen nor heard of him since. (Pshh, I wonder why? It was probably the overly-emotional woman that chased him out of her house armed with a hairdryer & wine glass after he suggested that she was 'damaged' during a fight. Yeah. Sounds 'bout right.)

My point is, Many failed relationships & heartbreaks later... (Oh, and don't forget to scatter a few mental -breakdown's in there as well) I'm still stuck with the same predicament. I love my current boyfriend of 6 months... how do I open up to him (emotionally or physically) without either over-burdening him, or scaring him away??
I am so exhausted of ruining magical relationships because of foolish & deeply cutting needs/ fears that shouldn't be affecting my life anymore..

Thank you, for any assistance :P
- A 'damaged' girlfriend.

Answer 1

I am very sorry all this happened to you. The best advice me or anyone else can give you on here is to seek professional help from a psychologist.

Answer 2

Well, I name men and women "honey" and "sugar" seeing that i am from the south. Nonetheless, if I have been speaking to someones husband, i would *are trying* to not. If someone called my husband "child", that might be an extra topic totally. Youngster is just not an acceptable southern time period of endearment between adults that do not know one a further.

Answer 3

I'm sorry that your father was and is such a digusting waste of a "father".

What he did to you was unacceptable and if he hasn't even tried to make amends with what he did, I'm surprised that you haven't already disowned him after exposing everything that he did to his face to make it clear how much it affected you.



If I were your boyfriend, hearing your story would be bittersweet because on one hand I would know that our relationship will not be easy but on the other hand it shows me that you trust me enough to share something so personal and dark.



Perhaps its just me, because I have a very dark past as well, so I can relate to this feeling of wanting to share this with a significant other.

It's a big part of your life, something that you need your partners support in. I'll have to face the same circumstance you are in now one day too.



I think about this moment a lot, and to me, with the story being so complex and long, I've always felt that the best method would be to write it all out and let them read it.



1) tell my GF that I have something to share with them, that its very private and a part of my life that I need them to know about me.



2) tell her that I will be writing it out over a week or so, and that if she finds me in a bad mood or being 'down' a lot, its because I'm going through a lot of bad memories whilst I get everything out on paper.



3) once the write-out is finished, read it through and give yourself a couple of days to digest what you have written - just incase any other details come up that you need to mention.



4) Give them the letter and sit with them as they read it in full, in one sitting, asking them to reserve all questions until the end.



The reason for this is because whilst talking about it is good, you will miss details.

Since it is a big topic, you will likely miss certain things and thus digress, coming back to the issue at hand, jumping back to something else etc. It starts to sound like a rant. it's all over the place, you cannot process what happened first. Its mentally and emotionally exhausting.



If you are worried about this write-up being lost to someone elses hands, just ensure that you want the write-up back so you can destroy it.





Thats what I would do but I want to address another issue:



The reason why you are wanting to share this information besides how much of an influence it has been in your life, a very significant motivational factor here is that you don't want to be hurt by a man again - your lack of trust is completely understandable.

You want to get this all off your chest because you hope that in doing so he'll show how much he understands and cares about you, that he'll love you and protect you from all of that.



The trust issue is bigger than you think.

Without trust, there cannot be any intimacy.

What relationship can stand without intimacy?



Lastly, I need to emphasize the already destructive cycle that you have already recognized to a degree.



By jumping into bed with guys too soon, your actions play to your subconscious that only through sex can you gain a mans interest.

This destructive message implies that you as a woman, as a person alone are not worthy of male attention. Its a perpetual self esteem burning behaviour.



On a neruological level, you are getting yourself mixed up and addicted to oxytocin (a hormone that is released during sex that is thought to increase bonding between the two, for the sake of evolution [assuming you believe in evolution theory] ).



Oxytocins affect on the brain is comparative to heroin addicts according to one study that asked couples that were 'madly in love'.



If I were in your position the first thing I would do is seek counseling and get through the past of what your father did to you, your siblings and your mother.



I personally feel that you should reserve telling any partner about your past until at least 2 years (look up the term: limerance, and you'll understand why).



When you do tell them, do it in the written form to ensure all details are communicated properly and clearly.

TALK through it with them, get their thoughts on it. Express your fears in how you know this affects your relationship and that you are trying to change.

Answer 4

What makes you think the 14 year olds on Y!A are any type of valid substitute for a well trained and highly paid therapist?