Is my boyfriend obsessed with his ex girlfriend?

Question

I have been living with a man for over two years now. He was in an intense relationship with a woman for several months, who left him abruptly over three years ago. It was possibly the most exquisite heart break he has ever experienced. My boyfriend admits to me that he has not found resolution, but denies that he is still in love with her. He says that he no longer feels emotion when he looks at her pictures.

But I am concerned about the fact that he continues to look her up on the internet every week and sometimes, every couple of days. He has a bookmarks folder that he has added to since he and I have been together. He even added her new name, as she is now married. He talks about her frequently (more frequently than any of his other ex gf's.) And she has been factoring prominently in his dreams. When I asked him what he is looking for, and why he feels the need to look her up so often, he said "Just curious."

When does curiosity cross the line into obsession?

I realize that people look up their ex's. I realize that people are curious. But is it normal or healthy for a man who is talking of marriage with me to be looking up his ex girlfriend so often--after three years?

Am I just being insensitive to want him to move past his last relationship before committing to ours?

Answer 1

I don't think he is so much obsessed with the woman she is now but possibly obsessed with what they used to be and what she used to be. If she was his first love or had a big impact on his life I can see how it would be hard for him to get her out of his life.



I think we have dreams about these people, like our first loves because of the strong emotions attached to the memories. The person now probably isn't a good match for him and it wouldn't work out and he knows that but I believe he is attached to what it used to be as he will never relive those times or memories.



Personally, I'm with a man and have been for a year now but still have dreams about my first love sometimes just because there isn't anything like your first love. But if he and I dated now, it wouldn't ever be the same and I know that but it does still hurt to look at photos of him with someone else just because he was the first love and I have strong emotional attachments to those memories as they were my first.



I don't think you have to worry, though I would be bothered if he was looking her up constantly. I don't think he means to do anything with her but the fact that he thinks about her that often would be unsettling to me and I would ask him to please stop and try to move on and release the hold on those memories that aren't coming back.



Hope this helps.

Answer 2

You are in no way being insensitive by asking him this. While I think it is great that you and your boyfriend can talk about it openly and he is somewhat honest with you, his curiosity is crossing the line. I think it is totally normal to wonder what an ex is doing with their life, however, not every single day, or even multiple times a day. Your relationship with him will never be able to grow until he lets go and moves on from his ex. I suggest you sit down and seriously talk with him about how this affects your relationship. Let him know that you know it is difficult to move past a hard relationship but it has to be done some time and why not with someone wonderful like you! :)

Answer 3

Absolutely not! You have every right to be concerned. Anytime someone is talking about marriage this should mean that they are over any and all ex relationships. It does not sound like he is truly ready to move on and put the past behind him.This is a major red flag. It is almost a scary obsession. Be careful. Don't rush anything. He needs to be 100% committed to you and you alone.

Answer 4

I don't want to sound rude.

But it sounds like if he could, he would be with her. Maybe he looks her up all the time to see maybe if she's in a relationship, what she's up to, where she is, her job, etc etc. I just hope for your sake he's not just with you to fill that empty spot he wanted for her.

He definitely needs to move past an old relationship if he wants to be committed to another one. I would feel the same way if I were you. The fact that it's in his bookmark is very strange, before you move on you need to get the truth out of him, or you could end up being the girl he's falling back on because he doesn't have her.

Answer 5

That happened to me :/ My boyfriends ex kept trying to get back with my boyfriend and she would always tell me that he was cheating and stuff. i didnt believe her and i thought it was kinda funny how desperate she looked trying to get what i have. So i ignored her. once she saw that we were still together after 3 months she started tlkn b.s. about me -.- and all my friends took her side telling me to leave my boyfriends becuz he had hurt her. but anyways u should just ignore cause at the end of the day she can have his sweatshirts and wear them like a dum *** you have him. so just smile and be happy and ignore her :)

Answer 6

You're only shot at getting your ex back is to follow the right steps that will make her ask you to get back together. Learn here https://tr.im/CUhpL

Maybe if you broke up with her, then you might be able to be the one who brings up the subject of getting back together. But if you can do it without, it would be much better. But how do you get someone back without seeming desperate? In order to get your ex girlfriend attention, you have to show value without telegraphing your interest in her, while at the same time initiating interaction. So don't ignore your ex texts and calls when they break up with you. It screams that you are so devastated by the breakup that you can't even handle talking to her. You want to respond to her, but do it in the right way. You can even initiate communication if you do it in the right way. You have to maintain a strong frame of confidence, and show your ex girlfriend that your happiness isn't dependent on being with her

Answer 7

No matter what he says he loves her and you need to step out of this rel he won't come around any other way. He does still love this woman sorry.

Answer 8

You are not insensitive. You are sensitive to your relationship with him, and so you should be. What he is doing is not normal, ask yourself what would you expect him to think if your were doing what he is doing. You would not be involved the same way, therefore it is not normal to you. This is not healthy, it is not normal. Who the heck looks up their ex's if they are happy. Please think this through, I see nothing good coming out of this for you, and you do deserve more.

Answer 9

I'm not even going to say what happened... but the point is the same thing happened to me, worst heartbreak of my life.

Its been over year now, it hasn't gotten one bit better, I haven't talked to her in about 3 months now either.



Ya, I still have some feelings for her, no I don't tell my gf this.

I think about her every day but I can't help it...



I have TRIED my hardest to move on and I HATE her for doing this to me, she was the one who came on to me and I was annoyed by her actually... she wanted to spend on 8 hours a day together before we were even bf/gf...



It's not so much that I would want to be with her, it's more that I want her not to be with anyone else because that's like tearing my heart out even more. Either that or I'd just want her dead. O.o



Dangerous Love :p haha