Am I being paranoid about my husband's past (before me)?

Question

Okay I really need some advice. I'm 36, my hubby 37. We have been together for 4.5 years.

Today I was cleaning out files in an old box and came across some old bank and credit card statements of his that he had separated into their own folder for charges he incurred on a business trip to St. Petersburg, FL shortly before we met. In a 7 day business trip, he spent roughly $1600 at strip clubs. According to the bills, he was at strip clubs each night of the trip.

This would not be an issue for me since it happened when he had been single for several years and had not met me yet, but about 8 months into our relationship, he went to a bachelor party and spent $1000 in just one night, then lied to me about it for a few years. He's also lied about one other strip club incident (that I know of) since we have been together. He goes on business trips about every 3 months or so since we have been together, and he has sworn he doesn't go to strip clubs on his trips. Prior to us meeting, he used to go to strip clubs about every 3-4 months he says.

Now--I did ask him about the bills I found from this wild week of strippers before we met, and he confessed that on one of the nights, he actually gave one of the strippers his number, she called him, and she ended up going back to his hotel with him, buying drugs (which they did together), and then she gave him a b**w j*b. Even though this was before me, it really bothers me that he went so overboard (he also said that the other guys he worked with only went out two nights, he went six), went to SO many strip clubs that week, and especially that he took one of the strippers home with him and did drugs and other things with her. I didn't know that happened in those places.

What bothers me most is that since I now know about this, it worries me that he is still lying about the bachelor party he went to where he spent $1000 in one night (just his portion of ten guys), because he has told me that he met one stripper that night that he "really hit it off with" and spent a few hours with her in the VIP area, but did nothing except lap dances. He lied about that for a few years, and he now insists he still did not have any more than dances from her, but now I don't believe him, knowing all that he did with the stripper before me who he spent less money on. I think he must have gone farther with the one at the bachelor party (which was also in Florida).

Apparently, he has also made a habit out of giving his phone number and email address to strippers before he met me. I do also know that he gave our mailing address to the girl at the bachelor party in question, because he told me that he did so, and said it was because she was talking about moving to a place near where we live and he told her to write him a letter with questions about the area when she got ready to move and he would answer them for her. I know that sounds stupid, but my guy is a "Good Neighbor Sam" and does those things all the time, mostly at the expense of respecting me in order to appease someone else who really doesn't matter.

It also bothers me that he calls these strippers "friends". He says the one at the bachelor party was a "friend" that he was engaged in conversation with and liked spending time with, and the other one before me that he took home with him for a bj and drugs was his "friend". I've tried to explain to him that someone you are paying to do these things to you/with you is not a friend and that even if they think you are nice, the bottom line is the money, and they wouldn't give you the time of day if you were broke. He seems to really believe that these girls like him when he goes there. It makes me feel really cheap. It's like he has no idea what a real love connection is and just falls into it with anyone who is really nice to him, and of course when you first meet people, and especially when those people are paid strippers, they are always super extra nice. He mistakes politeness for something to attach to, and doesn't seem to know or value the real thing, which comes with a lot of hardship, but far more devotion and reward than the surface sweetness you get when you first meet someone, especially when you are paying them!!! Everyone is on their best behavior at first. It makes me feel so cheap that he could feel attached to these strippers at all.

What do you all think? (Incidentally, my hubby is not some scuz ball, he is a total white collar, educated professional, just doesn't trust real love and is apparently a very dishonest person who lacks morals and self respect)

I'm worried that he has no ability to go lightly and doesn't seem to look at strip clubs as cheap thrills, and I worry that because of this, he'll end up going overboard again someday, whether it be in strip clubs or just with some woman who was really nice to him and he thinks that's some true connection because she's nice, and I will end up hurt by his inability to practice self control and kno

Answer 1

Yeah, he calls strippers "friends." But then you call snooping "cleaning," so perhaps y'all are even.

Answer 2

I really feel for you.

I think you need to be very careful. I sounds to me like your husband has some self-confidence issues. I think having these women pay attention to him makes up for something he's lacking in himself. Because he feels like he needs this, he blocks the money part of it.

Part of what you said in your question really sent up red flags for me.

"...does those things all the time, mostly at the expense of respecting me in order to appease someone else who really doesn't matter."

If he's doing things to appease other people and failing to respect you in the process, there is definitely a problem. Going to the hotel room with a stripper 8 months into a relationship is NOT okay. Especially if you were living together at the time. I'm not sure if you were, but you said he gave her 'our mailing address' so, I'm guessing you were.

He also seems to have an excessive personality, and those things don't just go away.

Like I said before, I think he's getting almost like a high from the attention from these women. An you must realize that if on one occasion he confessed to getting a bj from a stripper, it very likely that he's done more than that. Especially after drinking and doing drugs when the inhibitions were gone. If that's the case, and the attention is what hes after, I can see three possible scenarios as to what is happening presently.

1. He's still looking for that high and already is sleeping with some of these strippers. Oh, and by the way, him giving his number to them? Not alright!!!!

2. He's still looking for that high, but so far he's been faithful. I don't think that is likely, but.....its possible. The down side with this is that, eventually, lap dances are not going to give him the high he's looking for and he's going to need more.

3. He had his fun when he was younger, and really isn't doing more than observing. I really don't think this is likely.

You said that your husband isn't a scuz ball because he's educated and has a good job? Those things don't exclude him from the scuz ball club. You did, however mention quite a few things that could make him President of that club.

-He's more worried about appeasing other people than respecting you. You are his wife. Respecting you should be his number one priority.

-He's dishonest.

-He lacks morals

-He lacks self-control

-He can't see the strip clubs for what they really are.

I know that's probably hard to read, but, I think you are going to get a lot of similar answers to this question.

Whatever you do, I wish you all the best.

Answer 3

What I would do is some more investigating and snooping around, haha.. I know all of that in the past (but DAMN would it bother me if I found out my bf was like that) but how about recently? How long have you guys been together, how about married? I'd hate it if I knew that's what my bf used to do, but I'd be even more curious to see if he ever acted out of line while we were together, ya know? So I'd keep looking (obviously trying to get straight answers from him directly won't work) and see what else I could find out. And don't be afraid to find certain things out either! You have every right to know! Is there any way you could ask some of his colleagues about it? I don't think the "avereage" man is really that excessive w/ strip clubs.. I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty sure my bf has never even been to one & he's 25.. I think you should tell him that it's been on your mind ever since you found out about it and ask more about it and who cares how probing he thinks it might seem. It has nothing to do with being paranoid either, I mean he obviously was hiding all of this from you for a reason, because he's a certain type of person who he doesn't want you to see so you are right in being worried about his whereabouts.. good luck!

Answer 4

I think you have legitimate reasons to worry about it. He probably lied to try to soften the blow of what he did. I'm sure he knows it's unpleasant for a wife to find out just how much of a party animal her husband can be. I would watch him on these business trips. I don't think he'd cheat on you but he does seem to have the potential to still spend time in strip clubs and take the people he meets there seriously; not to mention blow a lot of money on the whole thing.



You do need to sit down and tell him that you feel like he makes other people feel better at the expense of making you feel disrespected and hurt. Tell him its not safe to give out things like personal information to people who he doesn't know that well and who could very well be on drugs. Sounds like a kid problem but obvious he never grew out of it. Tell him you think it's more than unreasonable for some stripper to be showing up at your home and sending mail when he's married and shouldn't even be at a strip club to begin with.

Answer 5

your husband shouldn't even be going to a strip club because...your married wtf

i would go shopping and drop 1,600 like it wasn't anything. if its ok for him to spend it then i would too. Honestly what wife allows her husband to keep in touch with the strippers this is crazy talk to me. i think he has some issues

Answer 6

I was a stripper for four years all men go in those bars. Alot of those clubs use discreet words for the credit card statements so wives dont find out where their men go.

Answer 7

Why don't you look at this in a different way!!



Go take lessons in stripping and give him thrills like he wants them. no harm in that!! Tell him that you have a surprise that he might enjoy.

Answer 8

hmmm..whats worse...A. a few thousand now and then at a strip club



B. a $50 whore



C. A secret girlfriend who he give a few hundred to every month



A means nothing--C is the worse

Answer 9

You should sit and have a talk with him, tell him what you feel and most things that you wrote to us.

Answer 10

Well at least he's honest...somewhat. You need to sit him down talk about how you feel about everything and stuff.

Answer 11

maybe you made a mistake in marrying him. if he is not all right in the head, it is ok to admit you made a mistake and for you to fix your situation.

Answer 12

hire a private dick to follow him on his next trip