The problem with the dating game is that there are dating rules to follow and most of them we forget as we grow older. You see, when we are young our fellow friends at school and college reinforce the way things should be done when dealing with potential dates. Yes you should wear that, no you never say that, yes you should do this, but no you never do that. Then we grow up. For a time we are completely aware of the rules of dating and we practice those rules every time we meet someone. But then we meet someone perhaps, fall in love and have a relationship. Little by little the things we learned over our formative years when dealing with the fairer sex are lost and are in fact unlearned.
Then one day we are unwillingly thrust back onto the dating scene only to find that we start behaving like 12 year olds. We call our dates too often, we are constantly available, we wear the wrong clothes, laugh at bad jokes like a fool, date the wrong people and generally get it all badly wrong. Then we get hurt or taken for a ride. Of course there will be some of you reading this that are the very epitome of dating sophistication, but the truth is, when you lose your heart you also lose your head. If you are going to date well then give these key do's and don'ts of dating some serious consideration. Dating rules are very important if you want to win and keep your perfect match.
Dating Rules - Do's
1. Do try to look your best and be punctual on dates
2. Do have fun when dating. I know the subject of Mr. or Miss Right is serious but dating is fun too so keep it that way.
3. Do flatter and compliment your date on the way they look and the things they wear. People tend to go to a lot of effort on a date (hopefully) so being told that you are looking good is a nice thing to hear.
4. Be interested and interesting. As the Pet Shop Boys once said, I was never bored because I was never being boring" or something similar. You get my drift.
5. Do tell someone if you are not interested in dating them again. Being lied to and hopes kept alive is an evil and malicious act (yes I mean it that strongly). If you don't want to see someone again then let them know that in the nicest possible way you can.
6. Do date the type of people you like and are attracted to, whatever your friends may say. Approval by your peers doesn't prove a thing.
7. Do stay positive even when dates don't end well. It is most certainly true that you will date a few frogs before you find a prince. Along the way you will meet some nice people too and make some good contacts possibly.
8. Dating is a creative diversion, it requires concentration and energy so when you are dating keep some plans in the forefront of your mind and allow dating to take you to places you always wanted to visit within your own city.
9. Do make dating happen for yourself. People will not come and ring your bell from nowhere. Dating requires positive action so go out there and meet people, as many people as you can. Practice your chat and flirting on shop workers, bar attendants, anywhere and everywhere. Being nice to people is very sexy and great fun.
10. Do surround yourself with positive like minded people who are also dating. Think about the girls from Sex and the City and how they assist each other in dating and matters of romance. Negative friends who don't condone the dating scene or don't understand it will only help lower your own expectations and make you feel negative.
Dating Rules - Don'ts
1. Never call someone more than once a day unless they reply. Desperation and instability are huge turn offs.
2. Don't date the people who you usually find dump you. You may be generally attracted to bastards but that will not get you anywhere except hurt.
3. For men, never ever be late for a date, even if you have a very good reason. Women should never be kept waiting and should never have to seat themselves - ever.
4. Never tell lies to your date or pretend anything about your life that isn't true. If this is your perfect match for God's sake do not allow it to be ruined by some silly lie told early on.
5. Never be too available. Being available every night of the week and at the end of every whimsical phone call or possible rendezvous means you are making yourself uninteresting and a possible doormat. Be busy, be unavailable generally and be interesting.
6. Don't give away too much about yourself at the start. People love enigma and mystery. Revealing to your new date your inner most secrets on date number two will quickly ruin everything. A small bit at a time people.
7. Never check other people out when you are with your date. You may think you are subtle , your date will be heading for the door. Have the courtesy of concentrating solely on your date when you are with them.
8. Don't be rude or get drunk on a date. Courtesy and manners will get you everywhere.
9. Don't ignore your personal safety when dating. Have a cellular phone and keep it charged, tell your friends where you are going and be safe. Date at first in well known public places and never ever be pushed into anything you are not happy with.
10. Don't give out personal information like home phone numbers and addresses on a first date. Keep them until you are sure of your date and the future possibilities.
11. Don't have sex on a first date if you ever want to see your new date again. If you like them and are interested in them, sex on a first date will usually ruin everything. Its too much too soon and is not the way of romance. Believe me I am 100% certain on this.
12. Never date a married person. They will not leave their husbands or wives for you (except exceptionally rarely). Married dating is the sure fire way to misery, lies, deceit, lack of self respect and loss of romance. If you are married, separate first. If you are single, don't be a shoulder to cry on, you deserve far better.
I thought I would bring you the top 10 dating tips I have gathered along the way in the hope of assisting and enlightening those who need assistance. If you are new to the dating scene, a regular or just simply someone trying to meet someone new there should always be time for top dating tips, advice, information and things to consider. None of us are dating experts otherwise we would have a magic formula to present to others. And no, looks are not the magic formula otherwise all supermodels would be blissfully happy - which they are not my friend. Good looking people the world over struggle when it comes to affairs of the heart. Think of all the major figures in history who have fallen in matters of romance.
The truth is, there are no magic formulas, no perfect tricks of the trade, no cunning ways of trapping Mr. or Miss Right and no top dating tips that wave a magic wand. But there are some essential facts that you should always bear in mind along the way. Dating tips are just that - tips, they are not promises written in stone and different things will always work differently for different people. However, I have noticed that there are some threads of advice that keep cropping up and therefore it is worth reiterating my top 10 tips here.
My Top 10 Dating Tips
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Get prepared for dating. If you really want to succeed in the dating game, decide who you are looking for, do your research and be ready to commit to dating. Half heartedness won't work. Also prepare for some let downs along the way but don't take dating too seriously either.
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Get your act together. Begin a regime of looking your best. Join a gym, read health magazines, get fit and start a diet. Get your hair cut or styled and begin a new regime of good grooming or beauty treatment. Though it will not find you a date in itself, you will feel a million times more confident about yourself.
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Go shopping and treat yourself to new clothes and even a whole new look. Get your image right, one that you can manage and live with, but one that flatters you. Don't go overboard and look like someone you are not but maybe its time to throw out those tired jeans, old sweaters or cardigans and spruce yourself up. People appreciate appearance.
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Have a good think about what your dating goals are and timescales. Do you see yourself married within 2 years? If you do then approach dating accordingly. If you are more laid back and don't take dating too seriously then ask yourself some honest questions about why you are dating and what you hope to achieve. If it is purely sex then ask yourself if you are about to be honest with those you hope to date.
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Sort out your confidence levels in advance. By following the first four tips you will feel better and be more focused. Do all the things that will boost your confidence from avoiding negative friends (often the married ones) to attending the right kind of social functions. Couples at dinner parties in suburbia is not necessarily where you need to be right now.
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Choose those you have a good chance of dating, don't aim low but do aim realistically. In other words, your dating is based on the whole package you present as well as just your personality. If you are looking for a glamour girl or boy and want to date someone trendy and gorgeous then good for you, but be prepared and be realistic about your chances.
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Work out in advance where in your neighborhood you are likely to meet people and join clubs, societies, sports events, drama groups, anything where you are likely to meet potential partners. The kind of partners you are looking for. I know its a cliché but you will not meet people by staying indoors.
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Take time off from dating occasionally if its not going well or causing dating fatigue. Dating is an ongoing process and so recharging the batteries and keeping the confidence and optimism levels high is an absolute must. So date in phases if necessary.
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Enjoy dating for what it is, dating. It is meeting people and socializing and spending time in the company of stimulating individuals who may or may not bring you a sparkle. The fact is, most people are interesting and whilst you may not be out there looking for new friends, you may well find one or two fabulous people along the way.
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Never ever make yourself too available. People like mystery and enigma and the thrill of the chase when dating. In keeping with this do not sleep with your dates early on if you want them to progress, so keep sex until later. The longer a person is made to chase and fall for you within reason, the more likely that love may blossom. Peak too early and you have little left to offer and emotions may never have had the time to develop.
I once read the results of a survey in a leading woman's magazine that said the number 1 most attractive quality in a man was confidence. Not arrogance, confidence. It took some time to sink in as to what this really meant. Did it mean grabbing the girl in matinee idol pose and whisking her backwards whilst I kissed those luscious lips of hers? Did it mean turning into a caveman never taking no for an answer? Did it mean turning up at the door of the girl next door and whisking her off to Paris for the weekend, though we had hardly spoken? What did they mean by confidence? The quest was on it find out.
Every woman I have asked will answer in a different vein so the answer isn't all things to all men. Confidence, it appears, is in the eye of the beholder. Even worse, confidence can easily be misconstrued so one has to tread carefully. The point is not confidence itself, but its easier to define by its opposite, fear. Fear in men is not attractive. Fear defines a man as not knowing his own value, lacking a feeling of self worth, not being sure of his abilities, lacking in presence and determination. This I may add is very different from justifiable fear that we all face.
Okay, back to confidence. Men are attractive when they are confident said one friend. Another told me, "ooh a confident man makes me go weak at the knees". So I pressed them further. A confident man it seems is one who carries with him a self-assuredness that is most definitely not arrogance. It is a state where a man feels sure of himself and his abilities, knows what he is about, knows himself for what he can do,, what he may be able to do, what he may fail at but does not fear to try. A confident man is in control of his destiny, his future, his career, his day. And to many women that is very attractive.
After all, a woman is looking for a partner, one who will not only match with her mentally and physically, but someone who can drive her onwards, someone who has ambition and vitality, someone who can pass hi self assuredness on to her. A man who is confident is sexy because he is comfortable with himself, he is in control and he is able to make decisions, good decisions. He is confident in the choices he makes and in choosing you (maybe really you selected him), he passes this feeling of being special on to you. Being selected by the right man can be very sexy indeed.
If you are going to date the beauty in the corner and father her children then running away is not a good start, neither is feeling bad about yourself and failing to be able to hold a decent conversation. Far too many men decide in advance of an approach if they are worth of a woman's attentions or not. All too often they believe they are not. Except where alcohol is involved. Men in bars exude confidence, but they also exude beer breath as well! No the fact is that guys who lack confidence prejudge most situations and inevitably take themselves out of the dating fray before it ever happens, hoping, strangely, that the woman will make the first move.
The fact is, the confident men more often than not get the girl, because the confident man has something about him. I know plenty of good looking handsome men who are afraid to approach women so its not necessarily about looks. No, its about something within. Confidence is about self respect and self understanding. It comes from understanding what you yourself are about and when this happens a sexy man reaches out. Often lack of confidence in men is because of physique and yet it is an issue so easy to fix. 12 weeks in a gym will change a man's life. A fit man is a confident man. Dress is also something that instills confidence. No man has an excuse for not dressing reasonably smart these days as fashion for men is everywhere.
Ultimately we all lose confidence from time to time. People can take our confidence away at work or at home, in partnerships and on our own. Ultimately though these are passing phases. If a man can do one thing for himself in the dating game, that is to learn about his own confidence levels in an honest way and then go about doing something to increase them. Feel good about yourself guys and someone will feel good about you.
Guys, if you don't like this, tough - look away now.
In another dating article on this site you will find a general set of rules than men should follow when dating. In the same way women have some general rules that they should content with when entering the dating jungle. Now I know everyone is different so don't take things too seriously here. There has been some controversy over some literature published recently in the USA that sets out in detail the rules a woman should follow to get her guy (or woman). Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider's 1995 bestseller "The Rules," explains how women should play hard if they want to get their guy. I can understand why some groups would be hostile but the fact is when we grow up there are a predefined set of dating rules. All that happens is that we forget most of them after the age of 21 and then find we need to relearn them.
I wish there weren't any general rules and we just got on with it but courtship is a ritual; there are things that we make happen that excite stimulate, create interest, confound etc. Dating is a long test of compatibility. Are we perfectly matched? If we just threw ourselves together then the chances of long term happiness may be reduced. And yet previous generations managed to succeed on a far less complex courtship criteria list. Many arranged marriages work too interestingly.
In every society there are a predefined set of social rules we follow, from the way and timing of eating to the way we behave in public. The issue here is that when women date there are things that can help them be more successful. If we accept that dating is a game then there are rules to that game and winners and losers. If you know the rules in advance it gives you a head start. If men know the rules by which you are playing you may change the rules to suit the situation to keep the man guessing. Men love a challenge so feel free to adapt rule and add them as you feel inclined.
You can separate rules out into two parts, dating and online dating. Both areas have distinct rules that a woman should follow for dating success.
General Dating Rules
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Always look great, whatever your income. Gorgeous hair and some lipstick and wearing rags will still turn his head. You have the advantage, you are the woman. Look your best as you could meet a potential Mr. Right anywhere at any time.
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Never reveal information you don't have to. An enigmatic woman drives men wild.
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Keep dates brief but your men interested. Less is always more.
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Try and stay in shape and involve some fitness regime at a gym. However much you hate it, your Mr. Right loves your body as much as your mind.
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Let your man pay. If he is interested, he is interested enough to ensure you eat well and get home safely in a cab.
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Ensure you receive flowers, if he doesn't know what a florist is, dump him.
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Never ever sleep with a guy until he has fallen for you. Sex early in your dating game plan will ruin everything.
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Always keep a guy waiting and never turn up early. It is a lady's perogative.
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Never be available when he wants you to be. Never be at the end of a phone when he calls and always let him leave a message or two first before replying.
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If he is available Tuesday, you are available Thursday.
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Weekend shopping trips with girlfriends are sacred and not available for dates.
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Keep your man standing on quicksand by shifting landmarks and goalposts constantly.
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Ensure you are a good kisser. Men will walk away if you cannot kiss. Practise on a mirror if you have to.
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Never ever talk about previous boyfriends and particularly their prowess in the bedroom. The number of ex boyfriends is your business only.
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Never pre suppose anything about your date until you choose to know him better. You cannot always tell by looking
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If any man shows the slightest signs of possessiveness or insecurity run like the wind. Life is too short for boys.
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If his shoes or hygiene are a disgrace dump him
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Never talk too much about your father and how your date measures up in comparison.
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Never ever come across as too available or too desperate, he will run a mile. He is the one doing the chasing remember.
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If the guy in the corner is gorgeous go and get him and create the need in him for you. Never wait for men to come to you because you may watch him leave with someone else.
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You may well have all the bodily functions of a man, just try not to demonstrate them early on.
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If you are wanting a child, don't mention it on the first few dates.
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Never ever criticize his mother unless you want to remain single.
Online Dating Rules
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Always let them come to you, don't chase via email
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Block anyone who annoys you instantly
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Place the best & most vampish photo up you can find
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Don't reply to instant messages with clever opening lines
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Remain aloof and let yourself be chased
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Always reply to emails at least 3 days after receipt
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Never provide you true email or phone details to the man
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Always date safely and protect yourself at every turn
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Make sure your login name is stunning and sexy as well as enigmatic
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Do not login for hours on end. Short, rapid visits are best
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Do not assume the man you are talking to is destitute or sad
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Never ever reply to emails at weekends, wait until a weekday
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Never state how good your sexual performance is in your profile
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If you don't want to date married men spell it out in your profile
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A man who doesn't reply to your email within 3 days should be ignored
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Make sure your humor levels come across in text
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Do not chat to hundreds of men at once, the delay in replying is a dead giveaway and your Mr. Right will be off.
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Don't even think about misrepresenting your size or description. They will find out.
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Come across as cool and sophisticated for best results
Always remember ladies that you are a sexy desirable woman and the world is your oyster. Always let men do the chasing and always let yourself be the chooser. Always stay safe and never risk yourself for the sake of attending a date. Always use a safe dating website like LoveBrowser.com
This is the language where you don't need any words. Women have been doing it for hundreds of years - to attract the man they want. Becoming fluent in body language will ensure that you will be skilled in attracting the right man, and sending the get-lost signal to the wrong man.
Eyeing Up the Prize
The more eye contact you establish with the target, the better. Start with some sidelong glances. Then, begin with direct eye contact. Once he turns to meet your gaze, immediately lower your eyes and smile to yourself, this will tell him that you were watching him and are embarrassed that he caught you - a sure sign of interest. Next, be bold and try holding his stare, flashing a small, open-lipped smile.
If there is a man that is giving you the eye and you are not interested, look away from him and don`t look back at him again. When in conversation, looking at the ceiling and all around the room, also shows a definite lack of interest.
First Impressions Count
You leave your home ready to go to a party when you spot your gorgeous neighbor, and he doesn't give you a second glance. Why? Because you aren't dressed your best. When you enter a room, most people look to see who has come in. This is when you have to make an impression. Looking your best will make you feel your best. So make sure that before you leave your front door, look your best, and you never know you might just attract the attention of that gorgeous neighbor.
The Hand Job (no, not what you are thinking!)
Even without direct contact, your hands can send very powerful messages. There are a number of ways to convey that you want to get to know someone. Keeping your hands unclenched shows you're open to him. Using your hands to caress objects, such as the rim of your glass, locks of your hair, or the sleeve of your blouse, in a rhythmic (as opposed to fidgety) manner, can be a sensual act. And for the braver hands, try picking fluff off his jacket, touching him to punctuate a point, or using the "accidental touch" when reaching for the salt.
Hands that are jammed in pockets, busy cleaning glasses, or balled in tight fists are all bad signs. Fingers tapping, drumming, pointing, or wagging are also signals to move on.
Stand Out
Your posture is one of the most telling signals you transmit. An open posture is evidence of an open person. Turning your body toward the man you're conversing with, keeping your feet flat on the floor and leaning forward are actions that show interest. As well, slightly tilting your head, crossing and uncrossing your legs, and thrusting your chest forward give the message that you are interested.
As for ways to send a man packing, crossing your arms, holding a drink high in front of you, turning your body away or resting your feet on their toes will tell a person you are not interested.
A Few Extra Tips
Hopefully by now, you have an attack plan and a clear idea of when it's time to get down and dirty, or when you're best just to wave the white flag. Here are just a few more tips when trying to perfect your body language skills:
* You'll know things are going really well when you begin "mirroring" one another's body language and gestures.
* Don`t tease him by offering more than you plan to follow through. This can lead to very ugly circumstances.
* Chain smoking, being extremely intoxicated, or having eyes only for your plate of food will not put you in the best standing for the body language game.
* If you try your hand at it, and he's not responding, abort the mission immediately.…
* Following him around all night will only serve in making you look needy and desperate.
And finally, if all else fails, buy yourself a T-shirt that reads, "Looking for Love."
Does Mr. Right exist? Is he out there somewhere? Will I find him?
Mr. Right is a key subject for many women and an inspiration of hope on a daily basis. Yes he may well exist, yes he is probably out there and yes you WILL find him! Of course in all our lives we have goals, aims, ambitions and desires small and large. It is these landmarks and goalposts that keep us positive and busy. It is what makes us human. In recent years the terms Mr. Right and Miss Right have become over used and devalued. Almost as if we have a chart on our wall , an extensive tick list, a resume of specifics that the person in question must submit to get his foot through the door of the "potentials" interview.
Most of us would deny we are that bad and hope that chance will take a hand in bringing Mr. Right to us. Yes we accept that we have a small but insignificant "list" and yes we accept that there are some 'definites' on it which are nonnegotiable, but they are fairly minor. Or are they? The fact of the matter is that as the decades have passed by, we have become far more sophisticated, as humans, as individuals, as lovers and mates. We know how to orgasm, we have a good salary and a nice home and are well educated in the ways of the world. Therefore it is only fair that we seek someone to match, to fit in, to adapt, to accompany, to facilitate. And there lays the issue.
The fact is that Mr. Right also has a tick list, an agenda, only a small one of course, but a list all the same, and he is ticking off your assets as we speak. He wants someone young, someone well educated, someone good looking and in shape. We are indignant, how shallow we cry. Typical man we sigh. Yet are we any better? Look at your list and look very carefully at what or who constitutes your Mr. Right. And then look again. Are you sure first of all that your tick list is achievable? Yes, or are you willing to negotiate? Okay so you are happy with your list. Then what?
Well now, are you willing to go out and get your Mr. Right or are you waiting for him to come to you? Many women tell me they are waiting for Mr. Right. The word "waiting" concerns me. By waiting it means men come to you by chance, perhaps by design and you tick off their assets, your check them out and then cast off anyone who doesn't match your list. Maybe you do, but remember this my friends, Mr. Right is looking for his Miss Right? How much work have you put into being Miss Right or should he accept you as you are and fit in around you? If he did slot in to your life would he really be Mr. Right or an accouterment, an asset, a trinket that you would get bored of?
The thing I am asked by eligible men more than anything these days is, "where have all the nice girls gone". Think about those words carefully. These men are not asking where the doormats went, the punch bags, the housewife slaves. Not at all. No what they are asking is where all the women went who don't have a huge checklist as long as their admittedly muscular arms. Most men simply want someone to love, someone who they can dote on in their own ways and who they can feel special and share with. The problem for them is that they are not finding it because they are constantly under 'resume-pressure'. They are told they must adapt and fit in, they are trying to fulfill their part of the list bargain and then they are faced with the Miss Rights out there.
As a potential Miss Right you owe it to yourself to complete a few tasks. Take a long hard look at your list and ask yourself exactly how flexible you are being. Secondly look at who your Mr. Right is and how truthfully obtainable they are. Thirdly, don't kid yourself about your own potentials but don't compromise on ideals either. Fourthly, bring yourself out into the open and go after your Mr. Right.
Don't play the waiting game because you do not want to spend the rest of your life knowing your Mr. Perfect is married to someone else when he could have been yours. And finally, compromise is the key in reality, for all the things Mr. right must be, try and balance that with attempting to be something your Mr. Right doesn't want to miss.
Women often tell me that men confuse them and that they are unsure what a man is really looking for. They have tried to please them in the past and it hasn't worked so no, the man can concentrate on pleasing them or leave. If the media is to be believed, many women don't care what a man is looking for anymore because they have been empowered by their own sexuality and are comfortable in their new role as sexually liberated career woman in charge of their own destiny. In which case, as long as the man wants them, that is fine.
It doesn't matter whether that view is actually true or not. What is true is that the modern man is increasingly struggling to find his place in the world. The Armed Forces and Space programs quite rightly have very highly qualified career women working in their departments and in most aspects of industry, women are excelling. The old male bastions are crumbling and with them their innate self respect as well as their understanding of how they should act and what they desire.
Any woman reading this may say well it's a problem for men and they should deal with it. Absolutely I can reply, but you cannot expect miracles instantly. Generations of history dictating a man's role and function cannot be decided and altered in the space of 20 years without some fallout. Few can argue against the excitement felt by women as their empowerment continues but at the same time, one must expect issues to coincide with this. And one of those as I said is the question of understanding what the modern man is looking for.
Men have started to evolve and are starting to grasp the fact that their role may not be as it once was. 'Starting' is the operative word because this does not mean that there aren't large swathes of the world where men insist on being the breadwinner and women should still remain at home rearing children. It is going to take a long time to change the world. However in our western cities a change is in full swing. Men know that to find a mate they are going to have to work harder than ever before and they are aware that women call the shots far more than ever before. But this doesn't essentially change what a man is looking for.
Okay so what is a man seeking?
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First of all a man is seeking a love-interest. This may surprise many women but men like to love and they like being loved in return. The problem is that many women come across as impassioned and cold. It is not easy to find a loving woman and it is very noticeable how many men try and hang on when they think they have found their Miss Right.
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Men are seeking a woman who is attractive to them. Women may despair that men can be so shallow and that looks could matter so much but be careful. Men aren't necessarily looking for a catwalk model and many men don't like women who weigh 80lbs. But men do want a woman who takes pride in their appearance (though not excessively). Men are proud of having a girlfriend who looks good and I don't believe any man who says otherwise.
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Men are looking for a trustworthy girl, someone they can have faith in and someone who will be there for them. This may sound like an odd thing to say, but the fact is, some women are not trustworthy and many are not faithful either. So many in fact that men are increasingly wary. That kiss at a Christmas party may not count, or the flirtatious behavior with the gorgeous barman and in fact its all great fun and part of a woman's character. But reverse the situation and as a woman, you hate him doing the same. A man can never forgive a woman being unfaithful and so he is looking for someone who he really does trust.
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Men want to make a home eventually and are looking for a woman who will be a willing sharer in home life. Women with a sociable lifestyle are attractive because they can be relied upon to keep the social diary running in a long term relationship.
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Men are seeking women who are feminine gentle and kind because deep down the qualities that make a woman a great mother are an attraction in themselves. I am not suggesting that the man himself needs mothering, though some do, it is more the point that men seek the attributes in women that point to someone who would make a great mother to future offspring.
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Men want women with a great sense of humor. Women often come across as uptight or too bothered by too many small details. You will sometimes hear mention of a girl who is 'one of the boys'. What this means is that she is able to fit in with their humor and is sociable and fun to be with. Such women are extremely attractive to many men. Men want to have a good time and relax when not working and so their ideal partners are women who are able to do the same.
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Men are looking for women who retain their femininity and and are caring and kind. In recent years, aping men may be a female fashion statement, but it doesn't make them attractive. Whilst every woman in the world burps and farts and has the right to drink pints of beer, it doesn't necessarily attract them to the opposite sex. Women can get angry and say well men will just have to get used to it, but the issue is that they don't. They can just choose not to go for women who act in the same way as their drinking buddies.
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Men want someone who is supportive. Many women are quick to criticize men in their behavior, career and set about trying to alter them and mould them. This is a crucial mistake. Men can be manipulated yes, but they see their partnerships as support systems. The best relationships work both ways in terms of support. Where a woman is not able or willing to give that support and is too quick to criticize then she may lose her man.
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Men don't like angry women who shout. They want a woman who can debate and converse and is able to discuss. Communication is king. A fiery passionate temperament may have made you interesting and challenging on day one. But by day 500 it holds no glory whatsoever.
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Men love a challenging woman, someone who keeps them on their toes. Men are generally lazy in relationships once they feel they're in secure territory. When a man is challenged so he does something about it. If you want to keep your man interested, keep him challenged.
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Men are generally more reserved about sex than women. This is my experience is a fact. Men know what they like in bed and tend to stick to it. The adventurous sexual appetite in most men isn't there even if they are convinced it is. Men in reality are quite conservative. Sexually adventurous has nothing to do with having lots of partners and more to do with the things they will try with the same partner. In most test cases I have conducted, it is the man who looks for a quiet time in the bedroom and the woman who ultimately becomes bored.
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Men want a woman who will commit to them. Though increasingly this is hard to find, it doesn't take away the wish. Men want a girlfriend who they can share with and trust and be open with. Commitment is not a one way street and therefore men are struggling to find the levels of commitment they found previously. But the need is still there.
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Men don't want to be alone.
This column can easily fire a great debate and I may be accused of being completely wrong but that is the beauty of opinions. We all have them. The fact is, a modern man is seeking a reliable, sexy, single girl with whom he can have a long term relationship with. He wants to have fun, share his life and ultimately settle down. There are a few long term bachelors but not that many. The problem guys have is that the world has changed. They don't necessarily want to have children and settle down straight away, but it will come. They do seek self-respect even if they are not the primary breadwinner and they seek respect from their partner.
Whilst women become increasingly strong in their new roles in society, it is worth remembering that it takes, and always will take, two to tango.
Dating can be as tricky a business as can trying to find a date. When we begin dating, we often forget to consider what we are looking for in others we would like to meet. We set off with a definite view of the perfect dating partner. The moment we are introduced to someone, or view some photos of profiles or personal ads online – we forget everything! Why is this? Because we are swayed by many factors, in other words, we are not as set in our ways as much as we like to think we are.
Beauty, of course, often holds sway. However much we like to say we are not, there are few of us who wouldn’t date someone attractive. It is in our blood and we would usually say yes to an attractive person. Beauty tends to rub off on those around it, so if we associate ourselves with what we consider are good looks we immediately feel good about ourselves also. Most of us are not models and therefore we tend not to meet those who are but we notice it in the things around us. If you can appreciate something beautiful, then you can also appreciate someone beautiful. To ignore it is a lie.
However, if we simply lived and dated by beauty alone we would be too shallow to succeed in any real sense. We would have 2 dimensional personalities and be uninteresting in any meaningful way. It is often leveled as a criticism in attractive people that they don’t have very strong personalities because they have traded on their looks for too long. Conversely, a conventionally unattractive person can often have a strong and interesting personality to make up for the lack of attractiveness in a physical sense. So it’s clear that as an isolating factor beauty (or more specifically, physical attraction) is to some extent important but it is not the only important thing when dating others.
We look for humor in a person because we want them to feel good by being with us and we want them to feel good about themselves in their decisions. We also want ourselves to feel good and to relax and have fun and a great time. Therefore when we date someone, humor is a must if we are going to ever reach a level of relaxation in the company of that person. Laughter and humor is about creating a mental connection and understanding about the world around us. It is a demonstration of a commonly accepted set of beliefs between us and it allows a demonstration of a level of understanding quickly not known in almost any other form.
When dating others, we look for eye contact upon meeting because it is the most direct sense of understanding and truth and honesty. We almost always look at each other’s eyes first when we meet as this is where we first find attraction. It is beyond me here to explain why that may be but I do like the expression that our eyes are the gateway to the soul. I tend to agree. The smallest change in the glint of our eye conveys so many emotions and it is thus that we first begin our instant relationship.
When dating others we look for common understanding and acceptance. We do not seek partners as judges but as part of our own emotional support system. We like to admire and to be admired, however subtly. In another parlance, we would say that we appreciate and like being appreciated. Either way, we enjoy the company of another because we make each other feel good about themselves. It’s an unspoken understanding. Where relationships begin to crack later is where the understanding and support is replaced by criticism due to internal frustrations of lack of support. Initially when we date, this understanding and acceptance is displayed through many different methods from conversation and laughter in agreement on a topic, to agreement in places to visit on dates and food to eat, drinks to consume, movies to go see etc. It’s all part of agreeing based on a common understanding, finding the common ground between us.
We look for honesty and truth when dating. It can be like one long test, especially when we are not new to the dating game and have had our fingers burned previously. We know that it is within everyone to embellish the truth and unfortunately part of the dating ritual is to talk ourselves up, so sell ourselves as worthy. When this happens we must be careful not to go too far and add things that are untrue. Later our burgeoning relationship could fall apart through such white lies. And yet there are too few of us who stick 100% to the truth alone. There will come a point when we all add in some substance to our conversations to help our image to our date and to be honest this can all be part of the fun. But the basis of honesty has to be maintained when dating otherwise it is a pointless exercise. We are looking to share our quality time with someone so let’s be truthful from the outset.
There is an argument that when we are dating we are seeking someone like ourselves, a reflection of what we already feel about ourselves and the world around us. I think that is a mistaken view. I think what this theory really means is that we want to love and be loved and to allow this to happen we hope to find someone who not only matches some set of important criteria that we set ourselves but also someone who sees the world as we do. Not exactly perhaps, but close enough that we can grow further both as individuals and as a couple.
You are at a party and out of nowhere someone is standing close to you. Like a genie, they keep turning up, close by, catching your gaze. You go and chat and they stand in the same position as you, playing with their hair, laughing with you and holding your gaze. This person likes you and is flirting. How do you know? Because without realizing it, you are an expert in flirting and body language.
What would dating be without flirting. Flirting is fabulous, flirting is fun, flirting is giving out signals that we may be interested in someone, or we may be pretending. But within reason, flirting is part and parcel of our daily lives. Flirting can be harmful when it threatens fidelity but it can also be sexy and bring people closer together. Some people are good at flirting and some people hopeless.
Are you a flirt? If you are you know it and are secretly proud of the fact. It is sexy when you flirt and people like it. Flirting means giving people attention, it means, smiling, touching, whispering. In the right circumstances it is a powerful tool especially against the unwary. In the wrong circumstances it will get you fired. There is a gulf between flirting and unwanted sexual advances so beware.
It is useful to look at some of the key indicators of flirting and they can prove extremely useful when working out if the person across the table from you is interested. The one to keep your eye on the most is "mirroring". Mirroring is when someone copies your body movements whilst retaining eye contact. Its is one of the biggest giveaways there is.
Eye Contact
* Pupils are dilated and eye contact is maintained
* Eye contact combined with an arched eye brow
* Any form of winking
* Rapid eye movement and blinking
* Eye contact where the gaze is held longer than usual. Men normally look away.
Hair and Mouth
* Playing with hair in a stroking or toying motion
* Eye contact whilst playing with hair
* Touching your hair at any time
* Lots of smiling, open mouthed and teeth flashing
* Lip licking
* Puckering lips in a simulated kiss form
* Any form of touch of the lips or teeth with tongue
Body Movement
* The thrusting of chest or breasts outwards whilst holding your gaze
* The copying of your posture - mirroring
* Holding your gaze whilst moving to music
* Using a posture with legs crossed towards you
* Leaning in towards you whilst holding your gaze
* Open legged posture facing you
* The display of flesh of arm or thigh
Touching
* They will want to touch you and will reach out to do so with some excuse
* They will offer to place food in your mouth as if feeding you
* They will play with their hands and then with yours
The Way they Speak
* Their tone and speed of conversation mirrors your own
* Lots of laughter and questioning tones
* In a group, you are singled out by this person for attention even in general conversation and questions. This happened to me in New York and I was taken aback how obvious it was.
The main thing to remember with flirting is that it is fun and so much more so when you are receptive to it and understand when it is happening to you. The best flirtatious moments will always take you by surprise.
The guy that you have fancied for ages has asked you out on a date, and you've spent all day getting ready. Then when he turns up, he looks like he's been dragged through a hedge backwards, and that's just his hair! He's wearing a tatty t-shirt and an old pair of jeans, while you are all made up. It`s too late to get changed, so you leave with him anyway. Where does he take you? Yes you've got it - to your local pub or bar, where he spends have the night talking to his buddies, and the other half talking about them. Then to top it off, he takes you for Macdonalds. The whole date was a complete disaster. He is not the guy you thought he was, and you don't know why you ever fancied him in the first place.
So what do you do when it is time to say good night? How do you avoid the end of the date kiss? And how do you let him down gently without being to harsh?
It is obvious you have no intention of seeing him again, so don't beat about the bush. Just get straight to the point. Sometimes being nice just doesn't work. Being too nice to a guy that you have no interest in, can lead to mixed signals, giving them the wrong idea and sometimes unwanted advances.
Making your exit through a toilet window is not the way to escape the situation. Neither is popping to the loo with your bag and coat and escaping out of the front door. It works and is useful as a desperate measure if the date is really bad, but it is better to deflect the situation and call the date to an end amicably. Leaving someone standing is a bad way to work and should only occur if you are feeling deeply uncomfortable.
First off - thank him for a nice date, and explain (gently) that you don't feel that there is any chemistry. You may prefer to do this by phone at a later stage. If he asks for a second chance, and asks you to go on another date with him; you must be firm with him. If you don't want to have any kind of relationship with the guy, then you have to make it quite clear.
Don't tell him that you want to be friends, unless you are really serious about being his friend and actually believe it can happen. If you don't want to see him again, make this very clear and avoid any contact with him at all. Even giving in to a good night kiss will send out the wrong signal and that is the last thing you want.
Men are not good at reading signals and mistake many gestures you make towards them. They can take rejection badly but being cruel to be kind is the way forward. You need to keep a cool head but make things clear. If you were going out as a friend in the first place you should make this clear in advance otherwise you will end up trying to explain his advances are unwanted later and he will want to know why. Dating for men is as tricky as it is for women and therefore you owe it to yourself and your date to end things amicably, but swiftly if it is simply not what you are looking for.
That way both people can move forward.
I read a report this week from a top professor in the UK that said that most successful daters were those who dated people who had similar outlooks to themselves. Those who were far less careful when selecting a companion ended up having a much worse time. In other words, date the people who are most like you in character to be successful in romance. Simple really.
The fact is, we all occasionally choose the wrong type of people to date. Maybe it is the challenge, the novelty factor, the adventure or the risk. Maybe it is just boredom that makes us do these things. There are lots of reasons why we do. We may want to act as nursemaid, psychologist, mother, protector, sugar daddy, friend and assistant. So who are the wrong types that we should try and avoid?
Here are a few that spring to mind:
Married People
Don't even think about it my friend. This is a big no-no. If you are married too then you re about to enter an affair that could cost you not just a few stolen weekends but your marriage, kids, house, career, financial stability and your heart. Dating married people is a stupid game and for idiots only. Harsh words you may think but no good comes of dating married folk. You see , if you are single and they are married you cannot comprehend the amount of stress they will be dealing with during an affair and they won't tell you either. It is highly unlikely they will leave their partner for you. If they don't leave within the first 12 weeks, run like the wind. If the married person does leave them for you, then the pressure is all on your buddy and any time things go wrong in future you will be held severely accountable and blamed.
Then there are the lies. The deceit which strip you of your dignity. The fact that you will never get to see them at weekends when you have lots of spare time will drive you crazy. And finally , when you are all alone, they will be with their partner and family. All though you are having sex with someone, for the most part you will still be single. There are very few people in this world who can seriously cope with a long term married affair. Avoid unless you are a complete fool.
Serial Daters - The Lounge Lizard(ess)
This used to be the sole domain of men but in recent times women have become as predatory as men have always been. The serial dater is often interested ins ex and looks and will treat you as a trophy. You may think you can spot these types a mile away but you can't because they are extremely highly skilled in telling you what you want to hear. They will be psychologists and seducers who take in your every word and play it back to you in the hope that you will succumb. Once you have, there is no where to go, you may be asked to stay around for a short while so that you can be shown off to their friends but ultimately you will certainly be dumped to be quickly replaced by someone who meant as little as you did.
The Liar
There are few of us who are completely virtuous so lets not pretend too much here. There are a lot of people out there who have told a small lie to get someone into bed. Even worse, there are a great many who lie from the first date to simply try and impress. The problem here is that that almost all people who tell lies ultimately get found out. On your first date you will not be able to spot a liar if they are any good because you will have no time to go over what you have been told, it will only become clear over time. The risk is that by the time you discover the awful truth (whatever it is) you may have already fallen for them. Lying usually begins innocently enough and rapidly gets out of control as the person digs themselves a hole. You can protect yourself by being suspicious of any outlandish claims and checking out things you have been told. The general rule here is that if you suspect something, you are very probably right.
The Possessive Lover
Jealousy and possessiveness are more widespread than we care to admit. The happy go lucky person we have begun to date could easily turn into sleeping with the enemy so it pays to be wary. Almost always, jealousy and possessiveness come from deep insecurity, lack of self confidence and self worth. Everything begins normally enough but quickly your date wants to know where you are, who your friends are, calls too often and wants to pick you up from work. They comment on what you wear in the evening and prefer it that you stay home with them. A jealous person will try and keep you home whilst they themselves break their rules. They think that by keeping you isolated you will be more likely to stay put. These people are afraid that they do not deserve you and will do anything to keep you because they are convinced they are always about to lose you. They will not accept you are there because you want to be. Such people have emotional problems that you cannot fix and therefore avoid at all costs.
The Rebound Person
The date with emotional baggage is a non starter. Don't date these people. It may be that they are still coming to terms with the end of their last relationship so they are not looking for you yet, they are still looking backwards for their original lover. It can take some people years to get over a relationship break up so dating them will solve no problems in the short term. When someone is fully ready to date again it will show, but watch for constant references and comparisons with an ex and if it gets too much let them downs gently an walk away.
The Flirt
Very attractive in the first place but one of the worst dates you can choose in the longer term. Flirts love to have fun and be the center of attention and of course flirting is very sexy. But here we are referring to serial flirters, those who cannot help but wanting to be the center of attention with the opposite (or same) sex every time you go out. They will always be focusing on who can make them the center of attention and you may soon find you are being left out. This type is for the very secure only so be careful.
The Social Misfit
Your date does need to get on with your friends and mix well in your established social circle. In the same way you need to be able to mix easily in theirs. That is the basis of a good match as there are many unspoken belief system confirmations going on when you mix. If you mix together well then you have the same social beliefs in terms of behavior, humor, communication etc. You may feel that you can date people from completely different social climates but be very well prepared if so.
The Boss
No no no no no. The worst date you can choose. Mixing business and pleasure is a recipe for disaster and not worth contemplating. You may be attracted to their power and position, their looks, intellect and sophistication but the rest of the office will see you as trying to sleep yourself to the top. When it all goes wrong you will have no place to hide and in the meantime your entire private life will be the attention of the office gossips. Just don't go there unless you wish to get hurt and harm your career.
From time to time, relationships go badly wrong. Most of us have been abandoned by a partner at some stage ion life. If not then you are very lucky. It is easier to leave someone than be dumped yourself but if you have been left, then you need to take your time and have a period of mourning before dating again. If a major relationship has ended it will take some time to recover and anyone who suggests you just bounce back is a fool as they are not in touch with the reality of the situation.
Do rely on good friends and do find time for yourself but ultimately it is time that will sort things out for you. Distance from the event and plenty of thinking and pondering will help put things in perspective but I will say that it is generally the case that that particular relationship didn't work out because there are far better things in store for you. If that relationship didn't end, how would you ever go on to meet Mr. or Miss Right?
* Accept what has happened and do not try to win your ex back
* Never go back to someone once they have left you, it won't work
* Take some time out from socializing to get to grips with what has happened
* Make time for yourself to do some thinking
* Never allow your ex to suggest you will both be good friends
* Don't get in touch with, or try and see your ex to sort things out as you are fooling yourself. Once someone has taken such a major step it is usually for good
* Remove anything in your apartment that reminds you of them. Have a spring clean
* Do not allow your ex back into your house, it's over
* If you had shared friends, it will be a difficult period. Be prepared that some people will fall by the way side
* Do rely on your best friends for comfort and they should allow you to talk as much as you need.
* As soon as you can, come to terms with the loss and realize that you are not going to be single again forever. That will not happen
* Do everything you can to rebuild your self confidence and demonstrate to yourself what your ex lost
* Never blame yourself. If someone left you it was purely their decision. If they couldn't communicate with you prior to the event it was their own failing
* If your ex was unfaithful if has nothing to do with your own bedroom prowess. More their lack of self-respect
* Though it is a powerful mood, do not harbor grudges and desire revenge too much. Hurting someone brings you down to their level. The best revenge is in bouncing back and demonstrating how much they actually lost
* Learn from the failed relationship, not only about yourself but about what you will never accept again in future dating needs
* Lose the photographs. There is no comfort to be found there
* Do allow yourself to be angry for a short time. In doing so you will feel empowered to move on
* Being rejected hurts so don't allow anyone to tell you otherwise
* When you are ready do start socializing again even if dating is some way off
* Don't start a new relationship on the rebound, it is highly likely to fail and you will hurt the new person too
* Hold your head up high and think only of positive things where possible
* Sometimes it is necessary to move location or job to recover. If this is the case, it will herald a fresh start
* Don't email/phone your ex or look for reasons because you will often be lied too. They will try and spare your feelings (laughably) by avoiding what they really think
* Take a vacation if you can and get a wider sense of perspective. This includes meeting new people and making new friends
* Don't go to your old haunts secretly hoping to run into your ex. That is a recipe for disaster and will prolong the healing process
* Eventually, do treat yourself and buy new clothes and even change your image slightly to get a fresh feel for things. A new haircut can do wonders and instill a new sense of confidence
* Be patient and take your time with anything. Ultimately in the years that follow you will feel strong and confident and will go on to have a beautiful relationship. Just thank your lucky stars it wasn't with the fool who just walked out the door
* Never make rash decisions in the days after being dumped. This is not the time for clarity of judgment. Your friends will help you.
Rejection is one of our greatest fears and a fear that can do some of the greatest damage to us. When dealing with dating matters, rejection is a subject never very far away. Being rejected by someone makes us feel small, worthless, insecure and unwanted. We lose our self confidence and want to crawl into our shells until we feel stronger again. We may do something outrageous instead, something on the rebound to exact some from of revenge. That can make us feel better. The fact is, being rejected hurts, whoever we are.
Most people like being loved and like being popular. It makes us feel good about ourselves. We sometimes meet grumpy people who say that they don't care what others think of them and whilst there maybe be one or two who do think that way, most of us hate being not liked. The way we handle rejection though is dependent on many self factors, our childhood, the way we were brought up, our earliest relationships etc.
Rejection comes in many forms, from a partner being unfaithful to a loved one moving out or calling off a relationship for good. Rejection may come in the smallest of ways, from someone making no effort on your behalf on an important occasions to a partner who simply falls out of love. Rejection can be a date who doesn't show up or a date who says that they don't want to take things further. But whatever the scenario, of you are on the receiving end of rejection you need to spend some time keeping things in perspective by looking at the bigger picture and relating it to the many positive aspects of your life.
The way we handle rejection is important in helping us keep our self esteem and dignity. When we are rejected we often want to go crazy and blame ourselves for being rejected when the reality is its usually the other person's problem, not ours. But when we are rejected if we are nice people we can forgive and forget fairly easily and make excuses for the person rejecting us. If we do that we are not helping ourselves. If we are rejected the best thing we can do is to move on, in time.
Being rejected hurts. The person you entrusted with hopes, desires and feelings has turned round and said that they don't want personal involvement with you. When this happens you immediately move into blame mode. It must be, in some way or another, your fault for being rejected. Maybe its the way you look, your shape or height, your hair or lack of it. Maybe the way you acted , the things you said or the things you did that caused the rejection. You ask yourself is there was anything you could have done to prevent it. Lots of "maybes". These are all natural questions we ask ourselves in the rejection process but they are the things we should try and avoid.
The fear of rejection is a debilitating issue. It stops us doing all the things we should. It stops us approaching the person we really like. Rejection is the curse, confidence is the cure. The way to fix rejection is to balance with confidence building pastimes, activities and thoughts and good times. If you feel good about yourself then you know some truths about yourself too. You know if you are good at your job, if you are organized, well dressed, in shape etc. You don't need to worry about what other people think about you to feel happy about yourself which in turn means that if a date doesn't go well or someone simply doesn't like you then , well , we can't all please everyone can we. To be exact, the more confident you are, the better you will be able to cope with some forms of rejection.
It is beyond the scope of this brief article to suggest ways of dealing with the feelings of rejection that we feel from the failure of a marriage or long term relationship, from fidelity or major domestic drama. But what is true in most cases is that when we are rejected we will come back stronger than ever, over time. Rejection in many instances moves us into a time of reflection and thought, of new perspectives and inner learning. It is a useful process because it also allows us to learn about ourselves.
The thing that annoys me most of all about rejection when dating is the lack of honesty in people. When someone doesn't like you they should say so. When they don't intend to see you again then say so. If they are not going to call then they should admit it. There is nothing more refreshing on a single date that either party being honest and saying that they would prefer to leave it there. When we are lied to, the feeling of rejection is compounded.
Another interesting facet of rejection is that there are people out there who will reject before they themselves are rejected. Its a kind of defense mechanism. If they feel they are not doing too well, they will dump you, before you may possibly dump them. I know some people who have told me that they have never been rejected or dumped because they always do it first. So keep that in mind if someone rejects you.
I don't have all the quick answers to this complex topic but I will say that if you learn about yourself, get to know your weaknesses and find ways of keeping your perspective open, your realism levels in tact, your humor great and your confidence bubbling then rejection will wash over you from time to time easier than if you don't. Looking back on my life, if I were to imagine myself with most of the people who have rejected me, I couldn't. That is because they were never right for me in the first place.
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