Should I stay with my alcoholic boyfriend?

Question

My boyfrined is an admitted alcoholic. I didnt know how severe his alcoholism was until his recent blackouts and verbal abuse. He drinks everyday and completely changes into a different person when he gets really drunk. He accuses me of cheating and calls me names. He also gets aggressive with other men and tries to get into fights. The one thing he has said on a couple occasions that really scares me is when we have sex when he is black out drunk. A couple of times he has made a fantasy in is head that i am a young girl maybe 12 or 13 and that he is having sex with me and that i am keeping it a secret from my parents. I know he is blacked out and he doesnt ever say those things sober but should i be worried that he seriously fantasizes about having sex with really young girls??? Most of the things he says when he blacks out are untru and make no sense but the young girl thing really scares me. So fast forward to this week... I finally gave him an ultimatum: if he doesnt go to AA and stop drinking permanently i will leave him. He has been to AA before and stayed sober for 9 months at one point. He is the most amazing man when he is sober and i love eveything about him but he is an evil monster when he drinks. He has done to an AA meeting everyday this week and has not had a drink. He know if he has even 1 drink i am gone. Here is the big question... I am 31 and he is 34, we have both been married before and we have no kids. All i want is a family and to be married again. I am getting older and dont have toime to waste on someone who isnt going to come through for me. What if stay and work through this with him and have a child with him and he relapses? Do i need to worry about the sex with a young girl thing? I love him and he is the best provider i have ever met but am I wasting my time (which I dont have) hoping he will come through???? HELP!

Answer 1

WOW...Have I heard this before.



Okay you are with a man who for some crazy reason treats you like crap but YOU know he is the right one. Sadly addiction is one of those things where the symptoms are so varied. You need to understand that until he decides to change there is NOTHING, ZIP, ZERO, NADA you can do to help him.



Many family members/significant others of addicts etc just wish they could help. In fact they are working to enable the person to find deeper and deeper bottoms. It is like a family member who has a broken leg and you keep feeding them pain pills without actually FIXING the leg.



So, you love them. Yeah, but do you LOVE them enough to hold the pistol while they blow their brains out? Because that is essentially what enabling does. Alanon offers you some options. But the most important thing you need to learn is that YOU are not responsible for their behavior, their decisions or their actions. What you need to decide is how far you are willing to help them dig the hole of pain and self abuse before you discover you have been helping them dig their own grave.



Look this is tough, I do not disagree, its brutal. I have had to turn away in pain as a friend makes another rough decision. But I know I would rather them discover "gravity" and skin a knee than go on to jump off a building.



Finally...SO you are 31, Good Lord you are still young...but the question you have to ask is, "Are you staying with him because you want to or because you HAVE to?"

Answer 2

1

Answer 3

I am an expert on alcoholics. Several guys in my family and my ex boyfriend have drinking problems. You should have never had to give him an ultimatum to begin with. I know for a fact that most of the time alcoholics are out sneaking drinks and getting themselves into trouble. They don't change unless they want to. You can do much better for yourself! As far as the young girl thing goes... that REALLY worries me. I've been around many many blacked out people and I've never heard anything like that come from them. I highly doubt he would admit to it sober if you asked. I'm in my mid 20's now but when I was in my early teens I had middle aged men hit on me all the time and many of them had a bad past. If you want a family you need to find a guy that is willing to give up his life for one. Great guys are out there. =)

Answer 4

this is really bad, I feel so sorry for you. If one more drink is all you'll waiting for before you leave, then you should go now! I think in your heart you already know what is going to happen. I think you will never trust him or always watch him when there are young girls around to see how he acks.

I think that he is a dangerous person when drinking and his fantasies are very real in his mind when drunk. from what your saying that he has spoke of it to you while drunk that this would become real of the young girls if he could and its clear that he wants to do this...!!! being a good provider does not change what you fear..I hate to tell you that you should leave,but I feel that you have already giving so much of yourself that it hurts and I think your're in for even a bigger hurt...I hope you don't have a younger sister!

Answer 5

You answered your own question. You're getting older and want a family so you have no time to waste on him. So stop wasting you're time on him. I'm sorry if I'm sounding harsh, but face it.

He isn't someone I would want around children and at this point in your lives he should realize that he needs to grow up. There are a billion other single men out there who are much more stable than him.

Good luck with your life.

Answer 6

If I were in your shoes I would definitely insist that this man stop drinking and I would not even consider marrying him until he had been abstinent for a year and gone to counseling.



I would not insist that he utilize AA, however:



http://www.behaviortherapy.com/whatworks.htm

http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-secrets.html

http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/NewsEvents/NewsReleases/Recovery.htm

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/o/cochrane/clsysrev/articles/CD005032/frame.html

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/opinionla/la-oew-coy-alcholics-anonymous-20100730,0,754278.story





Also, you may want to read this book:



http://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Loved-One-Sober/dp/1592850812/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

Answer 7

he`s always going to be an alcoholic weather he drinks or not.go with your heart if you marry its for better or WORSE he`s not going to give up drinking until he`s ready no matter what ultimatum you give him

Answer 8

Dump him! His drinking makes you uncomfortable and scares you. You shouldn't stay with someone who scares you.

Answer 9

Just be yourself. It doesn't matter if it is not good enough for anyone else.

Answer 10

tell him to calm down

if being an alcoholic is wrong, i dont want to be right.

Answer 11

enjoy the rest of your sad miserable life if youre actually planning to stay with him

Answer 12

hide your kids

Answer 13

hide your wife. oh, wait....