Question:
Am i an asshole to my girlfriend?
17 years ago
i've been dating my girlfriend for the past 1 1/2 yearsand i love her to death. but i always feel like im a huge asshole to her. i feel like i've completely changed who she is since we've been dating, and her friends say the same thing. every little thing that bothered me, i told her about and tried to get her to change it, instead of accepting it. and whats worse is we have opposite personalities. she likes being around a lot of people and partying , and i'd rather just hang out with a couple people, yet somehow when we're together we have the time of our lives. sometimes i feel like i'm just waiting for her for something to happen to ***** at her. she's the best girlfriend anyone could ask for and would do anything for me, and i'd do the same for her. but i just feel like i'm treating her poorly. part of it could be b/c i'm 18 and shes 16. and she wants to go to a dance friday and i dont want her to cause i dont want her dancing w/ other guys. am i an asshole?
41 answers:
Katie C
17 years ago
You're not an asshole...first off because youre asking this question...youre showing that you care about her feelings which is a great first step. I came from a relationship with a guy who was also older than me and did the things you're doing...and it wasn't that great. i was blinded by my love for him and changed myself to make him happy and in the end it didn't work out and i barely knew who i was...



First of all...whether or not you're willing to change for her is a big question...she's obviously shown her committment to you...so do you want to be a better guy?? Think about what she likes to do, and how she feels, and let her know that you're thinking about those things...



As for this dance...if you don't want her dancing with other guys, then take her to the dance. When I was in high school my boyfriend was in college and he was allowed to come to my dances. So go with her...even if you think its lame...its important to her, and isn't seeing her happy worth a few hours at a lame dance...If she's not worth it then you really should be re-thinking your relationship...because treating her badly is not the way to be...and in the end you'll feel guilty and she'll feel horrible, and i don't think you want either of those things to happen.
MeMeCindy
17 years ago
No, but you have abusive tendencies. You need to talk to a counselor or somebody about relationships. Talking to her the way you say you do and then looking for things to #$% at her about is verbal abuse. She dont deserve that. I will credit you for realizing that something just isnt quite right. Really.. get some help now to stop this now. You will have a much happier life and if you 2 stay together, then she will too. And if you dont, at least you both will have good memories of the times you spent together.

And about the dance.. why aren't you going? And dont forbid her to go, that will just make her spite you. Dancing with other guys is just Dancing, having some fun with friends, in a group.. It is Not having a relationship like she has with you. So dont sweat that. Jealousy wont hurt anybody but You!

Couples have to give and take, so as far as you 2 liking to do different things.. try this.. say one weekend you 2 will do things that You like to do, then the next weekend, y'all do things She likes to do..

Me and my husband have to do things like that. Because we are SO different. Sometimes it's a pain and sometimes that is what makes it interesting..

Good Luck and I hope I havent offended you and that I said Something that may help you. Email me anytime!
Big Dave
17 years ago
If you are asking the question, you already know the answer. Sounds like you have some control and jealousy issues, but at least you are young enough to deal with them before they turn into something ugly.



Take a step back, let her enjoy her time, she has to have a life too and that even means while she is not with you.



If you keep up with the controlling nature, she will eventually learn that she is missing something, resent you for it and no doubt dump you.



Your opposite personalities are no bad thing, they will mean that you are able to reach a compromise in most situations and they do say that opposites attract!



Dont feel bad about how you are, you are not the only one who feels insecure. My mate is 38 years old and still has issues like this......dont be like him, he is still single and cant keep a relationship for more than a few months because of it.
17 years ago
well honey, i kinda know how that goes.

Let me point it out to you from anothers point of view.[mine]

You obviously love her theres no doubt about that, b/c if you didnt you wouldnt be admitting that you sometimes can well, treat her poorly.

Thats defintley not the problem, the problem in my opinion just seems to be that, b/c you guys have been together for so long, you seem to have fallen into a routine, and the fact that you are older than her even if it is only 2 yrs, might give your ego a slight "powertrip" ..You see her as someone that you love and want to protect, and sometimes you might get afraid that b/c you do treat her maybe not as best as she could be treated theres a sense that if she had the chance she might find another guy who will treat her well.

just think about that...you dont want another guy coming into her life and making her think twice about you do you?

she loves you obvisouly or else you guys wouldnt have been comitted for so long. at our age...thats long lol. [im 18 as well]

simple solution...

just start gradually letting her be herself, things maybe you werent so sure about her doing or being..possibly let her do them, let her know that its ok for her to be herself, and you will still love her.

being a young couple trying to be together commitidley takes a lot of work which means alot of compromises on your part as well as hers. im sure there are things she hasnt been to happy with you about, maybe its something you both can work on together.

your not an asshole by any means, your just a b/f being a b/f, theres a thin line between being a good b/f and caring and being an ***. try not to cross that line...you guys obvisouly got something great going. try to keep it up hun...

love Sophie

<3
luisfernando539
17 years ago
No u definitely are not an asshole.. the whole point is you wann do better so u put forward this question. i guess you need to change a wee bit to suit the lady as well.. after all success to every relationship is understanding each other the best way possible.. so chill mate.. if you know that she loves.. there is nothing wrong with her having a good time wid her friends.. learn to trust her.. coz that will make things much easier for you.
sharky
17 years ago
You're not exactly an asshole but you're pretty immature. And ****, you're only 18 so what the hell is anyone gonna expect?



You don't want to go dance with her which is fine. But telling her she can't go is lame as hell. All she's doing is dancing with them, it's not like she's cheating. Honestly though, it sounds like she does a lot to make you happy and you don't exactly return the favor. Maybe she'll take it forever but chances are she won't. She's 16, c'mon. Try to be more considerate of her feelings and what she wants to do. She won't be around forever.
17 years ago
Well not an asshole bro, ive had couple of g/f's I'm 17, changing could be for the good and the bad if you look at it like that. I mean if you two are happy together i don't see whats wrong, unless your upset that her friends are saying that you changed her. Why don't you go to the dance with her?
quattro20vT
17 years ago
'"every little thing that bothered me, i told her about and tried to get her to change it, instead of accepting it."



That was your first mistake







"sometimes i feel like i'm just waiting for her for something to happen to ***** at her."



That is a very unfair way to treat a girl you say is the best girlfriend ever





"but i just feel like i'm treating her poorly. part of it could be b/c i'm 18 and shes 16."



Being 2 years younger give you no right to treat a lady like that, especially being the amazing girl she is





"she's the best girlfriend anyone could ask for and would do anything for me"



Then change you own flaws and your relationship will be much better because of it.
J
17 years ago
First off, boys that are assholes don't question their "assholeness", they are just jerks without thinking anything of it.



You are probably an amazing boyfriend if you're even thinking about trying to better yourself for her.



The thing is, over time, people change, and things about other people that we used to love about other people, now, we may despise



what you're experiencing is normal. the fact that you voice your opinions is also good, because you could instead dump her for what you dont like, but you don't because you want to make your relationship stronger.



the fact that you're jealous of her going to the dance is also completely normal and it shows your caring too.



You're the kind of guy COSMOPOLITAN magazine gives a hand to.



about the dance, maybe you can go with her, and if you can't, just trust her, because she obviously has an amazing guy.
CrankyWhenHungry
17 years ago
Yes, that's being very selfish. If you feel that you're treating her poorly, then chances are, you probably are. Why don't you go to the next step and make it up to her. Why don't you go to the dance with her if she's inviting you? She's done so much for you by compromising, so why not try the same?
17 years ago
You are seriously harming her self confidence and your behavior is along the lines of abusive.



At least you see that though. Which means you can change. I suggest you tell her what you've typed here today. Tell her your sorry and you were wrong, then NEVER TREAT HER THAT WAY AGAIN.



It takes a strong man to see his problems and admit to them. Take the next step and treat her like the queen you know she is.



Also try therapy. It's hard to change set in behaviors.
airlines charge for the seat.
17 years ago
What you want is to control her life. She sounds like she can get along with anyone. And for being 16, she's acting her age. So, since you are both very young, you can join her and have fun, or stay at home and learn how to be an old man.
foxy lady
17 years ago
why don't you take her to the dance. or if you can't and you trust her then let her go? it shows that she loves you a lot when she has been willing to change for you but make sure you are changing for her to.if its one sided its not fare. it also seems like you need to settle down your anger.why do you want to be mad at her. why put her through more trama with you. be loving to her if you are feeling bad start by bringing her flowers and a card telling her you are sorry for being so mean at times and that you are going to try to work on yourself.it will mean a lot to her I am sure.well goodluck
mandeeree
17 years ago
Well you're not a complete asshole yet if you were you would'nt be worrying about it, you should let her go to the dance though and just trust her, it's just imature to act like you're acting about that. and try to be nicer in the future, since you know what your faults are all ya have to do is change it.
D B
17 years ago
Many guys think the same thing but it comes down to how she sees you and how do you really think what your doing effects her. Then you will know. Your not much of an asshole for thinking this cause it shows you care but you have to find the rest yourself you cant have someone just teel you.
17 years ago
Yes, you are being an a s s hole.

You say you wait for something to happen so you can

b i t c h at her.

You are controlling and disrespectful....and have no consideration for her opinions or feelings.



I'm sure she's very insecure if she' putting up with you.



You need to learn how to be more considerate and less critical. You'll never have a good relationship once you move on to adult women, because they won't tolerate that bs.
Ruppee
17 years ago
You need to give her her own space. Think about it.

If your girlfriend meddle with your work every time you do something, how do you feel? Do you think your feeling is good? Absolutely, not. My result is that give her her own space as above. Surely, I know your mind that you want to share your time with just your girlfriend, but you need to keep it in mind that women are people who do not want to belong to just men. It means that if you meddle with her personal something interesting, you cannot continue the relationship with your girlfriend. And also, I am doing so as I said. So, just give her time and leav her alone not all times but sometimes. It is very suitable ways to control your grilfriend. You know. If you really love your griend, recongnize your grilfriend and think about her in her side.

Take care. Make sure do not cling to your girlfriend too much.
17 years ago
im having the same problem with one of the guys im dating we both judge eachother but we both care about eachother. we try to talk to eachother about what bothers us and we try to work it out not change eachother.maybe since her friends are noticing a change u should tell her that u think u changed her and u want the real her back.and i dont think ur being an asshole to her.
17 years ago
You and your girlfriend are to young to be tied down with each other. You both have allot of living to do. Go to school and find new friends to spend time together. See the world. Life is to short to. Enyoy it while you can. Patches.
17 years ago
my husband loved being around a crowd and i didn't so we did what we each wanted and when we did have to be around a crowd of people it was very seldom and i made the best of it for him.if she enjoys partying and you don't then that could pose problems because shes going to feel like shes having to give up what she likes to do for you and she might resent you for it.she's also still young.you both are and she still wants to live it up,where it sounds like you are ready to just lay back and take it easy.good luck with her.
3illy
17 years ago
kinda.... if u really love her u should except her for who she really is!!! and come on she'd just a teenager she should love to party and have fun.. go with her to the dance and tell her that she looks really nice nomatter how she looks, and that ur sorry for trying to change who she is. If I was ur girlfriend I would have left u along time ago, she must really love.

hope u think about it!!!!!! let her be who she really is!!!!
17 years ago
It sounds like you are dating a sweet wonderful girl who is totally not for you at all. you are just being yourself, but if you feel this badly about that, there must be some problem, so think about whether or not you really are the one for her.
josh
17 years ago
no i dont think you are you should try going anyways danceing with her or just let her go if you trust her enough cause if you dont you dont deserver her if u keep her away to much shes going to leave i think your a nice person on what you said good luck
mc_muffin
17 years ago
i guess to an extent you are an "asshole" (that word doesn't best describe you), but maybe you are being one because you are afraid of what your girlfriend may become, you must give her more freedom or she will end up following your footsteps and always ask you "WHAT SHOULD I DO? YOU ALWAYS KNOW BEST"



you gotta let her have her own sense of judgement or she will become naive
Jennie t
17 years ago
It's good that you are self evaluating. True *ssholes usually don't wonder or care if they are being a jerk. Try asking her how she feels you treat her. Try to communicate openly. If you are unkind and oppressive you will only push her away.
17 years ago
man u talk like u r 30 years old, chill out have fun in life and dont take ur life so seriously , be urself

and concentrate on life not girlfriend
ONEnONLYme
17 years ago
i was in a relationship like that. being a bit controling. you obviously must love her for who she is, so dont try to control her and make her into something that she isn't. if she truely loves you and you love her then you must trust her so trust her that she will make the right judgement and not make a stupid mistake she might regret.
17 years ago
You sound controlling and insecure man. If you want to keep her then maybe step your game up a bit and be more laid back.
flounderdagreat
17 years ago
i think your justm laid back and shes the wild party girl and obviously you are on two entirely differnet maturity levels from what you say you are looking out for her bu not wanting her to party and everything she may not think that but thats my perception
17 years ago
my brothers 18 and his gfs 16 to .. and no I don't think you are. You should just tell her you love and trust her.. I guess try to trust her more if you don't think she would do anything ...
basketball_dancediva
17 years ago
you need to trust her, dancing is not a biig deal,

and no your not being an asshole, but you need to give her space
Experto Credo
17 years ago
You are a big one.



It may be best if you let her go
17 years ago
yes
17 years ago
not so much as an "asshole" i`d say your insecure.
17 years ago
i can't believe your 18.

grow up
17 years ago
yes you ask her to change but did you change for her, you asphyxia her
♥Love Love, Kiss Kiss♥
17 years ago
your lucky she hasnt broken up with you...i would have ....love dosnt mean you cant treat her like crap
17 years ago
Well then ...I guess you r not complete opposites ...ha ha !!!
17 years ago
No
17 years ago
ASSHOLE
17 years ago
as$ hole


This content was originally posted on Y! Answers, a Q&A website that shut down in 2021.
Loading...