Question:
Should I wait until marriage to have sex?
anonymous
2008-07-04 14:46:04 UTC
Hi. I know no one else can decide this for me but I would like some help.

My whole life I told myself that I would wait until I was married to have sex. I know I have the willpower to do it and I still want to wait but the problem is...but what if I marry a girl that I love but we're not sexually compatable and the sex was really bad?

I know that sex is a big part of a relationship. By the way, don't just think I'm focusing on sex or "if you love her, it won't matter" everyone hows that this issue is a big deal in a relationship.

This is what makes me want to have sex before I'm married because then I can see if it's ok but I really want to wait. Please don't say I'm old-fashioned or whatever, this is my decision, it's something I'd like to do.

So my question is, do you really think it's possible to be sexually imcompatable or is this just something my friends tell me...

I'm 19.

Thanks.
53 answers:
Jenny C
2008-07-04 14:54:47 UTC
Follow what you feel is right. I admire your choice. You can always reassess things when you get engaged if you feel it is necessary so I would not worry about it now. I was a virgin until I was engaged at 21. But you must really follow your own principles no matter what anyone else says.
anonymous
2008-07-04 15:02:40 UTC
I am still a virgin. I sometimes wonder if it will be better to just go ahead and experience sex. Like you, I worry I will end up with a partner who is horrible. Right when I think I want to get a handsome man and have sex, I ask myself how I will feel after it is done. The pleasure will last a short time, but knowing what I have done will always be with me. For some it is OK to have multiple partners before they marry. I do not think I will be happy if I walk that road. I want to experience my first time with someone I love. I think that the people who say "maybe you will not like sex with the person you are married to" are people who have had sex already. Maybe they have been with more than one person. When they get married they may not be happy with the sex because they may compare it with other partners thy have been with. I do not think there can be a feeling of being sexually incompatible if the one you marry is your first. If you have never had sex before marriage there will be none to compare with your first partner. What ever choice you make, just be sure it is the right choice for you. Your friends cannot tell you what will make you happy, they can only give opinions.
Me
2008-07-04 16:44:30 UTC
I wonder ...



If we were to ask a question about masturbation, would all these answerers say, "Wait! Wait until marriage! It's the best!"



Or would they just remain silent and not say anything, hoping the subject passes?



I bring that up because fornication, biblically speaking, includes masturbation, and many other aspects of sexual thought.



Thus, such a question, put to these same people, would be interesting, since we may then see hypocrisy on display (assuming they masturbate or have sexual thoughts -- which I'm sure they don't and never have [sarcasm]). I don't doubt for a minute that many of these answerers don't have sex, but I'm wondering to what degree they deny their human sexuality. ...



If you wait, use secular reasoning, for scientific facts won't change; your religious opinions may; you want constancy when it comes to staying safe and smart. Also, abstaining doesn't need religious justification beyond the secular reasoning that supports the decision.



The following are my recollections (feel free to double check at the CDC site):



-Condoms, used by a couple regularly having sex over the course of a year, result in a 15-percent pregnancy rate. It's on the box.



-Well over half of all sexually active adults carry HPV (latent and nonsymptomatic in them, usually). A quarter to a third of sexually active adults also carry herpes types 1 or 2 (again, often latently). Condoms don't completely protect against either (though the risk is lessened).



If you do have sex: have a committed relationship; first get STI testing done for the both of you; talk with doctors about any concerns; and employ birth control medication and condoms. Obviously, from a moral point of view, your decisions should also be in accord with your values and those of your family and communities.



But basically, assuming you're both over 18 and it's consensual, it's up to you, and it's a private matter. The law says so; Supreme Court decisions as recent as the Lawrence v. Texas case in 2003 protect this right of privacy from governmental abuse. (Which happens when regular Joes and Janes, like these answerers, get together and pass laws.)



You're not forced to watch evangelical television shows, and you're not forced to eat what people are dishing out here. You'll be stronger if you make these decisions on your own, armed with facts and data.



And yes, it's perfectly fine (and sane -- perhaps wise) if you decide to be abstinent for now. Other benefits of abstinence include: protecting oneself from emotional abuse -- which can happen to men; and it aids in cultivating self-discipline.



I guess, to sum up: A lot of these answerers are painting a white-picket-fence world for you, but that's not the way the world spins. Sorry. They're either in denial, or they're not responsibly grappling with and thinking about real problems that affect real people. The world is a complicated place with a lot of gray area and suffering -- often under the veneer. It takes knowledge, formal education, bravery, discernment, and deep discussions and investigations before one gets to the heart of any matter (in the sense of inductive reasoning and exploration). It's not all, "Life's great -- cuddles and smiles -- I'm a rainbow!!" Hardly. A lot of those people have serious problems that they're denying or that they'd like to sweep under the rug. Don't deal with those sorts; deal with people who confront problems directly and earnestly, and who are honest about the difficulties, challenges, and realities of the world.
carolejohnson92
2008-07-04 14:58:49 UTC
It's a matter of choice of the heart. There is no saying, you should or you shouldn't wait. No one else can choose that for you.



There is a possibility that in the future if you wait, your wife will or won't feel pleased by you.

And it's quite important, if you care a lot about it.



If you believe waiting is something you're determined to do, go along with it. Don't go and do something you won't feel comfortable doing. If you're second guessing having sex before marriage, don't do it.



Only if you're 100% completely sure.



No one can make that decision for you.



Just listen to your heart.
Meir
2008-07-04 14:58:04 UTC
I'm 19, too, and also saving my first time for my wedding night. You are right - you have the willpower to wait, and that is the right thing to do. No two people are 100% compatible. It's up to you and your wife to make it work for you. Compatibility was not a factor in the old days (I'm talking about Bible times), and marriage didn't fall apart, because people only had sex with their spouses. People didn't stop to think "I wonder if we'll be compatible...?", because they were just excited to be getting married and having sex! It's not right to just sleep around until you find someone who is "compatible" with you. That's not the way God designed it. Get married, be faithful to your wife, and have beautiful, healthy children! Check out "Getting Serious about Getting Married", by Debbie Maken. Good luck, and God bless!
Tamra D
2008-07-04 15:00:37 UTC
I think it's great that you want to wait until marriage to have sex, that's the way it should be. you see all these kids having sex and getting pregnant, then the guy says "but I don't want to be a dad!, I'm not ready", then this poor kid grows up to become mostly nothing, I've seen a million kids go through this, it's the reason your supposed to wait, if your ready to get married it's making a commitment to one person and saying OK, NOW I'm ready. don't let anyone talk you out of this decision. and as for being sexually compatible, that's ridiculous, if you love someone and your both attracted to each other it will be there, trust me on this. and your wife is going to appreciate you waiting for her, which will make you even more attractive to her.
arya
2008-07-04 15:02:05 UTC
Dear Drew...



I would say you are just 19 and you need to wait. I agree with you on the part that sex is definitely a part of a married relationship and that too a strong one but you are just 19 and at this point of your time, you need to experience a lot of things, good and bad with boys, life...freinds..and everything real in your life.. But the fact ''also'' remains that you are not really eligible yet to be married sweetheart. Therefore, let time do the talking to you than us giving you advises which may mislead you. I want you to enjoy your teenage years...and trust me you dont really need to keep the ''first-sex-for-my-wife''' theory as long as you are having ''''safe'' relationships. It is good to explore, but, let me admit, I am old fashioned and i would advise you to ''WAIT'' but if someone special comes I have no right to hold you back..so go on..enjoy your teenage years..as long as you are safe..and when i say safe..i mean real serious of being safe....and find out..explore your feelings...your own sexuality..your toooo young to decide by yourself...You will not get your "19th'' year back again, boy. So dont think of settling down or too much about sex...read a lot, meet people....date...find out what it feels..thats the only solution



on the whole..i think you should wait...



goodluck..
Kaddie
2008-07-04 14:57:10 UTC
Sex is a big part of having a relationship, but is should not be the main aspect of it. If you are really in love and the sex is not compatible then there might be some issues, but it shouldn't dominate the relationship.I respect your decision, but in my opinion, sex is something powerfull that tells the other person you love them, it adds passion to the relationship. And its important that you experience that with other people, to know whats real and what isn't.

Hope that helps.
anonymous
2008-07-04 14:55:03 UTC
wait brother =) it is possible to be sexually incompatible in the sense that if you DO have sex before being married, you compare the experiences and find that some were better than others, but if you don't, you won't know. It will be so so so SO much more special for both her and you if you wait.
Nata
2008-07-04 14:58:22 UTC
waiting is the way to go, my friend. there are a lot more of us "old fashioned" types around than you might think. honestly, my philosophy is that the source of sexual incompatibility is not a physical issue, but a communication issue. people who have unfulfilled sex lives, married or not, are people who aren't willing to truly open up to each other to express their needs and desires.



so really, people who jump from person to person are less likely to have amazing sex because they aren't waiting for that deep, overwhelming connection where they can really be open. A lot of my friends tell me that I should get "practice" so that when I do fall in love and get married, I won't make a fool of myself. But they forget that when you've found that super amazing person made just for you, that you never have to worry about selfish judgment and all that. A husband and wife can "practice" on each other, and custom-fit their sex life to their particular desires far better than more promiscuous couples can.



Good luck to you; I know this is not an easy decision.
Phoenix @ the gates
2008-07-05 02:44:55 UTC
You SHOULD wait, I'm 30 and I'm brand new, and I have no regrets at all.



You if both you and her are virgins you will get the benefit of discovering your sexuality together, and you'll not worry about the other person comparing you to their past experience, so there's a very good chance the marriage will work perfectly for both of you.
:)
2008-07-04 15:04:54 UTC
you should deffinitely wait. trust me. it will work out.

if you have sex before marrige, it will not turn out good- and deffinitely won't end up in marrige. you should wait! then you will be pure for your spouse, and your relationship will be clean with nothing to get in the way in that aspect. she'll love you more for it, and be glad you saved your self for her.

the best choice that you can make is to wait. you must remember that if you have sex before marrige, you will be ruining not only your life, but also another girls. there is the possibility of pregnancy, and that will probably create a gap between you two, and it will be a hardship. if you wait until marrige, you will be securing a home for a future child, and you will have a better future in that aspect. it will be more enjoyable for you, and for her.

please wait.

it's the smart decision to make.

i know a guy who didn't wait, and it really messed up his life. he and his girlfriend broke up, didn't have a good relationship ever, and it ruined him for life. he realized that the best thing to do would have been to wait. now, that's always something that will be in the way of him and his future girlfriend or wife. and it really was a bad mistake.

you should wait.

PLEASE.

its the right decision to make.

i hope this helps you!

good luck!!
i*love*art
2008-07-04 14:56:36 UTC
Waiting til after we were married was the BEST part of my husband and I's wedding night! Trust me, when you're so committed to someone that you love them with all your heart, waiting will be so beautiful. Respect the girl that you are going to marry someday by saving yourself for her. In your marriage, there is no way the sex could be that bad. When you're in a relationship that is meaningful, you'll be able to communicate about what is good and what isn't and you'll figure it out. It gets better and better over time. Just wait, I promise you won't regret it.
celexa
2008-07-04 14:53:07 UTC
It is very possible to be sexually incompatable but usually if you don't have a spark while making out with her then you won't in bed with her. I'd wait to have sex for now until you mature a little bit more and you meet the right girl.
First L
2008-07-04 14:53:58 UTC
Well I personally think that you should wait only.



Just think about it this way. You're first time will be with the man that you love and that you are going to spend the rest of your life with. It's worth the wait, I promise.



Just because everyone else is having sex doesnt mean you have to. If you knew that you wouldnt be asking what you're asking.
anonymous
2008-07-04 14:58:08 UTC
I'll give you both sides of my marriage, and let you make your decision. I was a virgin until my wedding night, and do not regret the decision at all. My husband was not a virgin when we got married, and 14 years later, he still regrets that decision to the point of agony. I gave him something precious that night: my untouched, unshared body. To this day he feels that he short-changed me by not being able to give me the same gift. Believe me, you're better off if you stay a virgin until your honeymoon. It makes me cry to see my husband in so much pain over choices he now totally regrets. In a word: WAIT
Dano
2008-07-04 15:40:49 UTC
You should do what you feel is right with you.



I've always had sex with girls I've dated for awhile and was seriously interested in. However, don't let anyone pressure you do do something you don't feel comfortable doing (whether it's personal, moral, or religious, or whatever).



Of course, you better make sure you're well protected if you have sex.
Skye
2008-07-04 14:51:43 UTC
I think sex is always better when you're in love.

Not nessarily married -

In love.

I think it's wise to have sex before marriage, to me, i think that how can two people know what they have is truly the best they've ever had, if you havent ever had it with anyone else.

You should marry your soul-mate.

But that dosent mean you cant fall in love and give a part of yourself to that person forever.

They changed your life, changed you, they shouldnt come and leave your life without making some sort of make on your heart.
anonymous
2008-07-04 14:53:31 UTC
I think sex is important, just as much as related interests. If you loved baseball how would you feel dating a girl who hates the sport to death? It would be weird and hard. So its up to you, but I personally think that it would be important. But think about it, if you get a virgin, and you are a virgin... Then neither of you will know if its good or bad as long as you like it. Make sure if you wait to be fun and experimental in bed to find how each of you like it. and communication is key, but if you still wanna wait, try to get a virgin too so you both are new and confused! But If you think it is as important as I do, then find a girl you really like and just do it. And yes I do think it is possible to be sexually incompatible.
shannlen
2008-07-04 15:04:19 UTC
Think of it this way.

The first time you got on a bike, did you ride 25 miles non-stop at high speed without falling, turn every corner perfectly, know exactly how and when to stop?

No - you became skilled with practice.

Sex is exactly the same my friend.

Do you walk into a group and instantly find you like every single person there and you can't stop talking to them because every one of them has exactly the same interests as you, and so they are all fantastic friends?

No - you talk to each person - some you like, others you don't. Some are acquaintances you just see once in awhile. Others you make a point to contact and you become good friends. Because you are compatible.

Successful relationships and sex in relationships need compatibility.
mrkool
2008-07-04 14:54:34 UTC
hmm sex is important but you gotta make sure you don't make the wrong choiceu know. I'm 19 too and I had sex with my girlfriend on the first date, we've been together for jus over a year now. I know she's da one... OHHH YEAAAH
anonymous
2008-07-04 14:53:06 UTC
i think your great at waitin, there are not many people out there that do this, sex isnt a big deal in a relationship but is nice to have it reguarly because it is special, i think it would feel good if you want it to feel good, if you truly love her and are at point willin to marry, then i think that the sexual relations will be more intermate and special, you will find in life alot of people regret havin sex with partners untill they are settled down propaly and then wish they only did it with that one person
Princess
2008-07-04 14:51:23 UTC
I think it's great that you want to wait until marriage! It will be fine... There's this little saying: When sex is good, it's really good... When sex is bad, it's still pretty good! Lol Anyway, it all comes to you naturally, you just know what to do! You will be fine waiting a while, stick to what you believe is right!!!
chopsaw
2008-07-04 14:59:52 UTC
It's just something your friends tell you.........The two of you will learn about each other and that's nice. The human body plan was well thought out before you and I got here and you both got a head on each end .....so for what it is worth, keep the one with the big brain in it working.............your doing fine. Tie the other to your knee when dating. bye
meryl_kunoichi
2008-07-04 14:53:16 UTC
Well. Being christian but not american (no offense here at all, it's just not something you ever hear of where I come from), I'd say no -if you dearly love someone and want to do it. The whole wait-until-marriage thing is alright, unless it's forced! Do what feels best for you and your partner.
Jack Burton
2008-07-04 15:04:25 UTC
no!!!!!!!!!! [please excuse my exclamation marks] but safe sex is possible. you can enjoy the benefits of sex without the consequences you are not ready to deal with. condoms not only prevent pregnancy, but can stop the transmission of stds. enjoy it now before you turn into an old person dreaming of what you should have done earlier in life. like you said, you want to be sure you and the person are sexually compatible, and that means more than just physically. the mental aspect of sex if often overlooked, but it requires maturity, and knowing what the other person likes and dislikes, and also allows you to learn about yourself. save yourself from a horribly awkward wedding night. even if you do have sex with your future wife before you marry, that will not take away from your honeymoon at all. consider premarital sex as practice for your honeymoon, and practice makes perfect, right? just be safe about it [condoms, birth control, learn about the morning after pill, etc.]. good luck and i hope this has helped you.



edit: who is the loser who is not getting laid giving the thumbs down? dont ruin this guys ideals just cause you arent getting any! the fact that he is curious says he should try. that doesnt mean be a man whore, it is just saying try it! the act of sex is a great feeling. dont let your narrow mind seep out and infect others. scaring someone is not a way to let them make up their mind! you thumbs down giving losers believe in "astinence only", huh? figures..... lack of education trying to teach others.... [deep sorrowful sigh] go ahead Drew, try it. just be safe, dont listen to the fear mongers here. and dont jump in head first, take your time when choosing someone. again, good luck!
maej
2008-07-04 14:52:41 UTC
Yes, you should.



Sex is the highest ultimate expression of human love and it should only be done within the bounds of marriage. Doing so is considered fornication, hey, it's in the Bible...



And anyway, why cheat yourself of the most exciting moment in your marriage? Your wedding night is a most special event since it would be the time when you will be giving yourself to the one whom you promise to love and live with forever.



Better wait.
anonymous
2008-07-04 14:53:48 UTC
Wait! You'll be more happy. And your girlfriend will respect that.

Plus, you should have it with someone you truly know you love and truly know that you will spending the rest of your life with, which means marriage. So, wait. You'll be happy you chose it when you are older.
humanbeforeamerican
2008-07-04 14:51:24 UTC
Here's the thing: When you love someone and marry them, HOPEFULLY you will have good communication, and you can talk about what feels good, what doesn't, etc. That is the fun part...exploring sex with the one you waited to marry!
Lovin Life
2008-07-04 14:51:07 UTC
The choice is yours but i'd have to agree with you. But if you're a virgin and hopefully your wife that you will meet in the future is a virgin then she wont know if you're good or not because you'll be her first too. so you'll kinda in a way have to be compatible.
*Fire*
2008-07-04 14:50:16 UTC
well..i would say wait until you're married - most women like guys who are virgins because then they know that they're the only one who has seen ur body and then ur a prize to them and it makes ur first time really special, especially if ur first time is w/ someone who you are going to be w/ for the rest of ur life.
anonymous
2008-07-04 14:52:18 UTC
Only you can decide that one, if its right for you do it if not then dont, just dont be pressured into doing something you really dont want to. If he's the right one for you he will wait if not he wont.
G
2008-07-04 14:53:24 UTC
I think you should wait, if you can ask it and you haven't, don't you think you would regret it if you did? ;) I know I do now
"lysol"
2008-07-04 15:01:00 UTC
You wear shoes b4 buying them? 19? forget about it, get some experience. the days of celibacy are "long gone"
anonymous
2008-07-04 14:54:10 UTC
ill tell you this way!. if your a christain, ask god for guidness, he will pick you the right woman you need.
☼☆♦♫♥ Christina ♥♫♦☆☼
2008-07-04 14:52:13 UTC
Um, not to be rude... but you better kick the tires and take it around the block a few times before you get it... it a HUGE thing! plus women.... myself included look to the male to have more exsperience, and if they dont frankly they are looked at as weak. Sorry.... but its the truth. Im not saying get a std by no means. Please be responsible.
nomethinks
2008-07-04 14:49:01 UTC
I'm a guy... i believe in taking advantage of women... but even me, being the piece of scum, say you should wait.



---edit---

i thought you were a woman..





being a man and waiting will, unfortunately, hurt you.
anonymous
2008-07-04 14:48:57 UTC
i dont think i will but do what you think is right



if you get married to someone and sex is awful then your life will be well.... shiit
anonymous
2008-07-04 14:51:07 UTC
WAIT

if u dont wanna be a daddy no matter how much safety you use, do not bring that out,
brown_eyes
2008-07-04 14:49:24 UTC
yes ,you should wait until you are married.
Kaitlyn
2008-07-04 14:51:18 UTC
I'd wait.
Picture Imperfect.
2008-07-04 14:48:05 UTC
Yes, you should wait.
anonymous
2008-07-04 14:52:44 UTC
I would take it for a test ride.
anonymous
2008-07-04 14:50:27 UTC
You don't have to. Go with what you want to do, and be protected and safe.



Good luck!
King Destroyer
2008-07-04 14:49:08 UTC
Go for it. i started when I was 15 and I dont really regret it. I feel that it made me better for my wife.
anonymous
2008-07-04 14:47:48 UTC
you should wait, trust me
anonymous
2008-07-04 14:49:55 UTC
no you shouldnt wait, do what you want but people that want to wait until marrige piss me off because they usually are prudes. and your friends are BSin you
skee_bumm
2008-07-04 14:49:14 UTC
For a man, sex is NEVER bad. Don't worry about it.
anonymous
2008-07-04 14:49:34 UTC
im gonna catch a lot of hell for this, but no. but do what makes you happy.
anonymous
2008-07-04 14:49:38 UTC
you should wait....
Alex Ann-Marie
2008-07-04 14:49:43 UTC
yes!!! please wait. =) I'm 19 and still a virgin as well. you go!!
Amanda
2008-07-04 14:48:52 UTC
if your a christian
anonymous
2008-07-04 14:49:57 UTC
:O NO you should not wait!


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